Meia Maratona Dos Descobrimentos 2019 10km

10 Things I Think About Finally Beating John Meade in The Lisbon 10k

1. Lock Up Your Vaporflys

I think that having a key to your room in the AirBnB is essential when you have a pair Vaporflys and John doesn’t. He is a fright for stealing any running tech like Garmins or Vaporflys and then hiding them in the oven. I was really worried that I’d return after morning coffee to a cryptic handwritten note and pair of melted Pink Vaporflys. Thankfully my bedroom in the AirBnB came with a big key so I was safe from any Meade sabotage.

2. Vaporised

I think that the commonly held belief that the Vaporflys protect your legs and make it easier to recover is nonsense. My legs were as bad as they have ever been after the Seeley Cup. I was still very bad 6 days after the race which is a very unusual level of badness for a 10k. The Vaporflys seem to make quads and hamstrings very bad, particularly the right lower hamstring which gets knotted after running in them. I’m calling it the Vaporfly knot, Donal Coffey gets the same thing.

3. Meia Maraton

I think it was a much better idea to do the 10k rather than the half marathon in Lisbon. We had entered the half marathon but then we realised that the European XC was on the same day in Lisbon and that if we did the 10k which started at 935 we’d be able to get to the XC course to watch the races. It was an excellent plan.

4. Minding Yourself

I always thought that in order to beat John Meade I’d have to do a lot of minding of myself. Thankfully you don’t have to mind yourself if you have Vaporflys so I could enjoy some excellent local wine and two desserts the night before the race. I reckon the wine costs about -5 seconds per glass and the desserts -4 seconds. The Vaporflys are worth about +90 seconds.

5. Grande

I think that I was about 10cm taller than anyone else running in the 10k. I felt absolutely massive on the startline, especially in the Vaporflys which make me about 6’4. The Portuguese guy next to me on the startline was amazed by my bigness. “Grande, 2 metres”.

6. Humid

I think that while the course was much flatter and more perfect than the Seeley Cup in Belfast the weather was much worse for running in Lisbon. It was 100% humid like Cork and a little warm. The Lisboners were complaining about the wind but it was totally still in comparison to any day in Cork. If it was Cork it was a perfect day for running.

7. No Respect

I think that I must still look totally useless even in my Vaporflys, there was a guy on a motorbike videoing the race who payed me no respect. Even though I was in the lead for the first 2k down to the turnaround at the hairpin he stayed back videoing the group containing Conor and the much more able looking Portuguese locals. When he finally came up to video me I stared straight at the camera and pointed at my lovely pink shoes. Then we turned at the hairpin and I got immediately dropped by Conor and his Portuguese compadres. The guy on the bike was right.

8. Coffey Corner

I think that if anyone is still in any doubt about the Vaporflys then they need to look at Donal Coffey’s 10k P.B performance. When I turned at the second hairpin at 7k I saw the amazing sight of the Green Vaporfly Donal springing along ahead of the Adidas Suction Boot shod John Meade. I was still worried that John Meade was only toying with us all and would suddenly drop the hammer in the last 3k. He did catch Coffey.

9. Humble Pie

I think that I was remarkably restrained in my celebrations given that I have tried and failed miserably for 10 years to beat John Meade, I’ve had to endure 10 long years of being beaten. I thought it was impossible to beat him, a thing that only Conor was capable of. Because of past trolling incidents I was very worried that he would suddenly appear on my shoulder after 9k as I was majorly struggling. The great thing about the Vaporflys is that when you start the process of majorly suffering you realise you’re heal striking and are immediately cued back into running fast up on your toes. When I crossed the line without having seen John Meade at any point in the race I was tempted to do a little dance when he finally appeared but I didn’t, I just shook his hand after a brief pause while I did a victory dance in my head.

10. Portuguesed

I think that the podium was a very disappointing affair. Our cunning plan to combine the 10k with the European XC was sort of dependent on us not ending up on the podium. Unfortunately Conor has become very excellent and perfect at running so he won the race perfectly by a lot. Podiums are normally excellent abroad so we decided to wait around and skip the junior XC races. When the podium eventually happened they called up the three Portuguese who finished 2,3 and 4th for the main podium and put poor victorious Conor on the second class masters podium like he’d come nowhere. Perhaps it the Portuguese have realised that Vaporflys are nonsense and that you don’t deserve a podium if you wear them. It’s almost a new sport. Vaporflying.

Seeley Cup 2019

10 Things I Think About the Seeley Cup

1. Gravity

I think that there must be less gravity up north. That or everyone is just way fitter than down south. Nothing else could explain the speed of the Seeley Cup. It’s a special race.

2. Check Out My Buns

I think that it was just as well I kept the box of cakes that we bought at George’s Market for after the race. A 3pm start means that breakfast must be very known and very small.

3. Croissant Search

I didn’t think it would be so hard to find a croissant in Belfast. They had nothing but baps and pancake like things at the market. The French patisserie was sold out so I’d to settle for the cafe in M+S where the average age of the clientele was about 83. It was a very excellent croissant.

4. The Start is at 3pm right?

I think I was very lucky to make the race at all. For some reason I had it in my head that the race started at 3pm. I parked up on the Ormeau Road at 210pm and jogged over to collect the numbers, I was wondering why there were so many people warming up so early. When I got the numbers I said “the race starts at 3 right”. “No 230”. I ran back to the car, told Rhona we had 10 minutes to get to the start. Installed the the Vaporflys and sprinted to the start.

5. Meade Warm Up

I think that John Meade is right that warm ups are a waste of time. It’s no way to prepare for running fast by running slow. You’re much better off sprinting to the start in a pair of Vaporflys.

6. Better the Devil you Don’t Know

I think the best thing about running up in Belfast is that I didn’t know any of the people that I was racing. There was no negative thinking, no “ah jaysus he’s ahead of me”. Instead it was just follow the group, assume everyone is brilliant because they’re from the North and dare not look at the watch.

7. Green and Pink

I think nearly everyone in the top 50 was wearing either green or pink shoes. It was ridiculous. If they weren’t wearing green or pink they were wearing the original blue 4%. Total domination. Not an Adidas Suction Boot in sight. The only issue with the prevalence of Vaporflys was that everyone was struggling with the corners. It’s absolutely impossible to change direction, there were shoulders and elbows flying everywhere on the first of the three laps.

8. Meandering Heaney

I think it was a good decision to follow Heaney on the first lap. He took a different line to the rest of the pack, it’s like he’d done some research on the best line to the first corner. I knew I’d be able to stay somewhere near him as I’d beaten him in the cross country last week. I managed to hang on until about 5k, then the elastic got longer but never snapped.

9. Still Bouncing

I think the Vaporflys really start working in the second half do the race. The great thing about them is that you can go off as hard as you like because no matter how wrecked you get you’ll still be able to run reasonably fast. On the third and final lap I was in exceptional trouble and normally would have been reduced to 6 minute miles. But when you’ve magic shoes all you’ve to do is maintain some semblance of running form and the shoes do the rest.

10. Cheaterflys

I think that the Vaporflys have to be banned. It is utterly ridiculous that I was able to run almost 2 minutes faster than I used to be able to for 10k just because of a shoe. It’s like when you’d get the cheat code for Jonah Lomu rugby on the PlayStation. It’s great fun for a while but it gets boring pretty quickly when you’ve 15 Jonah Lomu’s in every match. I suppose at least with the Vaporflys, everyone else has the cheat code too.

All Ireland Senior XC 2019

10 Things I Think About The All Ireland Senior Cross Country 

1. Variation on a Theme

I think the course in Abbotstown is a small improvement on the previous course. It has a major problem with shortness. The grass is too short and the lap is too short. It could do with some water, a few jumps and some trees but other than that it’s fine. It has great potential, it just needs a bit more madness, a bit more imagination. 

2. Breaking Abbotstown 

I think that it would be interesting to conduct a breaking 2 like experiment on cross country running. There has to be an optimal spike pattern and spike length for every condition and type of mud. There’s no consistency in the running spikes being worn, they’re all different, no one even thinks of getting a pair that would be faster like they do with Vaporflys. The only unusual ones I saw were Sergiu’s Asics which had the Vaporfly beak on the back. 

3. Nine Inch Nails

I think that Michael Herlihy should be disqualified for endangering the health of everyone in the race. His spikes were like nails, they were at least an inch long, ridiculous yokes. I didn’t think they’d work until I saw him engage them in the muck on the first big lap. It was like everyone else had slick tires and Mike had winter tyres with studs, more shoe doping. 

4. I Really Shouldn’t Be Here

I think that even the good guys felt intimidated on the start line. There was serious quality on show. It’s great that everyone turns out, perhaps this is why they keep it in Dublin, not sure everyone would drag themselves to Carrigadrohid or Clarecastle in the November rain. 

5. Carambolage 

I think that there was a serious danger of an F1 style first corner accident. It was sort of like the first corner at Spa, a tight right hand with one line just 200m from the start. Just like when you watch an F1 race I was kind of hoping there’d be a big pile up with half the field eliminated by Michael Herlihy’s spikes and that I’d be like a Minardi scoring points because everyone else was retired. In the end I was far too slow to cause an accident and everyone safely snaked their way politely around the sweeping off camber bend, miraculous really. It could have been great.

6. The Mucky Lap

I think that the 1500m lap was deceptively hard. If you just stood at the finish line for the whole race you’d think that it was a grand fast course, what are they complaining about? What you couldn’t see was the ankle deep thick sticky muck around the back of the course. The muck in Abbotstown is unlike normal farmers field muck. It’s thick and viscous, it pulls you down with every step, turning stylish nimble runners into lumbering hunched over creatures like me, everyone suffers, no one looks good. 

7. Muck 

I think that I’m not very good at running in the muck. People seem to think I’m good at it because I like it but I’m actually very terrible at running in the muck. What I’m very excellent at is running fast after coming out of the muck. I understand the muck and don’t get demoralised so I can go again once it’s gone and the ground gets firm again. I need a 50% muck ratio, this was more like 75% muck, not ideal. 

8. 5 Spikes Good 4 Spikes Bad

I think that I should have worn the new pair of spikes. The race in Carrigadrohid broke the thread in one of the spikes, which then fell out in Conna. I got a new pair of the Brooks Mach spikes just in time for the race but it was a new model and it looks far different so I was scared to wear them in case I’d get injured. For some reason I decided it was a good idea to remove the same spike from the non broken shoe to balance them out. This was a big mistake. The fifth spike was badly needed on the little hill out of the muck pit, I couldn’t get traction at all. Brooks clearly do some engineering when they design them, not quite Nike Next% level but some. 

9. Seven

I think that seven laps is too many. I know it’s probably better for the spectators but it’s very hard on the head to run 7 laps and there is a serious risk of being lapped. To make it worse the muck slows it down to about marathon pace so seems like it’ll never end. 5 or 6 laps would be plenty. Surely they could find a mile lap, make it nice and simple.

10. Bewilderment 

I think that my favourite thing about this race is that bewildered look on everyone’s face at the finish. It’s like everyone’s thinking “I won the Thomas the Tank Engine 5k four years in a row, how can I finish 83rd?, I’m a 15 minute 5ker”. That’s the great thing about cross country, it’s a total lottery, road times count for nothing and you’ve no idea whether you ran well or not.

Munster Senior XC 2019

10 Things I Think About The Munster Senior XC 

1. Does Anyone have a Pair of Size 10 Spikes

I think that the first rule of cross country is always bring your spikes. The second rule is don’t miss the start. Barry managed to fall foul of both rules. Quite an achievement. We are definitely cursed this year. 

2. Father Ted

I think going to the Munster Seniors is like going to a Father Ted version of cross country. “The medals will be presented at the horse box” was the best part. Who wouldn’t want their medals presented from a horsebox.

3. Movember 

I think that Donie wasn’t exactly impressed by my Donie Walsh Movember effort. I’m quite proud of it, it’s a massive improvement on last years feeble effort. The Alpecin shampoo is magic. It’s doping for your hair.

4. Interminable Morning 

I think that not having a timetable for an event is ridiculous. No one has any idea what time the race is going to start. It could be 2pm could be 3pm could be 4pm. How hard can it be to run the event to a timetable. Even a rough idea like not before 3pm. I kind of love it.

5. Conna

I think that the course in Conna is a proper cross country course. They should run the All Ireland’s on a course like Conna. It would be real cross country unlike the artificial road race on grass course in Abbottstown. There was everything in Conna, ruts, muck, hills, long grass, no grass, gaps, rock and cow dung. If it was a formula one track it would be Spa, Abbotstown is Bahrain.

6. Grizzlies 

I think that the start of the Munster Senior XC is always very intimidating. It’s a distillation of all the hard crazy runners in Munster. A no nonsense bunch of real tough runners. Quite scary. John Meade wasn’t there.

7. Torque 

I think the course required an engine with a lot of torque to accelerate out of the turns. I loved the twisty turny bits. There was a lovely bend down at the very bottom of the course where you started to think “If I get this wrong and I break my leg it’s going to be at least an hour before the ambulance gets down to me”.

8. Mid Race Analysis

I think that the first two laps of a cross country race are very stressful. You can only tell how well you are doing based on your opinion of the guys that are around. If you don’t know them then it’s based on appearance. I was happy out until Michael Herlihy did his usual trick after two laps. Then I was angry. Then I caught John Shine which made me happy. 

9. The Hill

I think that I need to get better at running up hills. I was losing an appalling amount of ground on the one hill on the course. It was deceptively steep and definitely favoured the lighter shorter runner. Michael was even putting ground into me. It must have been all those Italian Alps at Halloween. 

10. The Unwritten Rule

I think there should be an unwritten rule about passing your teammate within sight of the finish line. I passed John Shine halfway around last lap. I was very happy with myself but knew that the last hill was going to be tricky. I got to the top of the hill still in front, I even rounded the last corner ahead but then I heard the footsteps. I sprinted as hard as a could but he just got me on the line. It was horrible, at least I beat Mark Walsh badly.

Carrera Villanueva Del Trabuco

10 Things I Think About The Carrera in Villanueva Del Trabuco

1. Three Races

I think that this was the first time that I have entered three races on the same weekend and only turned up to one. I wanted to run a race in Artarfe at 10pm on Friday night but my sister couldn’t be persuaded to get the bus up to Granada on her own so I had to wait until Sunday to race. Then it was a choice between a 10k in Motril and an 8k in Villanueva Del Trabuco. I chose the 8k because it looked more random and less commercial. 

2. No to Vermouth 

I think my decision not to drink the vermouth I ordered after dinner was key to my success. It is a very bad idea to mix wine and vermouth. I had forgotten how bad it was until the third or fourth sip, then I remembered Cask in the summer and that sickly sweet acidic stomach so I swapped my vermouth for my sisters wine.  Wine is far better.

3. Value

I think that races in Spain are great value even if you end up entering three and only turn up to one. My race was €5 for which I got a nice pink t-shirt and a race number with my name Coakley, Donal printed on it. They were even selling pink sunglasses for €5 so I bought two pairs. They’ll go nicely with my Vaporflys.

4. Insider Information 

I think that it is very important to do your warmup within earshot of the start when you’re in a new town. I did a little km loop around the town to make sure that it didn’t start without me. On the warm up I met Carlos who I knew from the race in Alfarnate in the summer. He told me valuable information about the big hill after 3km which was very helpful. 

5. Vino 

I think I had a subtle hangover from the wine the night before the race. Wine is a very good drink for running, so long as it is good Spanish local wine it doesn’t have any major effects. The only real effect is that at the start of a run you feel a sort of subtle roughness that has to be run off. At the start of the race it took me about a km to get going by which time Carlos and three other Spaniards had gone a good bit ahead.

6. Mirador

I think that this was the first time ever in a race that I was the fastest person up a hill. After about 2km we turned left onto a gravel road up a twisty turny hill up to a Mirador. I was in fourth place but suddenly the guys in front started to come back to me. By the top of the Mirador climb I was level with the final Spaniard. Imagine if I’d of had my cheating Vaporflys, it would have been very unfair. 

7. Descent 

I think that my favourite part of the race was the decent off the mirador climb. It was super steep. I was with the last of the Spaniards racing down into the hairpin turns like the guys on the Tour De France. I was very glad I didn’t have my Vaporflys as I definitely would have broken my ankle.

8. No to Vaporflys 

I think my favourite thing about this race was that there wasn’t a single Vaporfly on display, not one, not even a shoe that looked like a Vaporfly. One of the guys had a pair of the New Balance Green FuelCell propels, everyone else was in regular racing flats. I wore my trusty Brooks Ghost. 

9. Second Last Lap Sprint 

I think that leading a race is a very stressful experience. I’ve never actually won a race in Spain, primarily because John or Conor have been there to beat me so this was the first time I had the chance to win. I could hear the guy I descended the Mirador with right behind me the whole way to the finish. When we came into the finishing straight I did my choppy hands thing and sprinted like Mark Walsh on the second last lap of cross country race. I just about held him off to win.

10. Podium 

I think that the podium in Villanueva Del Trabuco was my favourite ever. It was my first time standing on the top in Spain. It was outside in the warm sunshine with a fountain behind us. I got a lovely trophy and excellent photos. It’s just as well my sister refused to get the bus from Malaga to Granada, I’d have missed out on this excellent race.

Rebel Run 10K

10 Things I Think About The Rebel Run 10k

1. Pink Panther

I think that Pink Vaporflys are my favourite shoes ever. They are so amazing, I love Nike. Nike are brilliant, a great company. Everyone should buy them. 

2. Cross Country Related Badness

I think that cross country badness is a special type of badness. It is very bad badness, it's not the deep badness you get from a marathon, it's very different. It's like the badness you get when you play GAA and you go back training in February, all of your muscles hurt on the outside and it won't go away. The badness was still there this morning. Nike would want to hurry up and invent a cross country version of the Vaporfly, we could test them on the courses in Cork, like how Toyota bring their cars over to test them on the bad roads. 

3. Sold Out

I think that sold out races are great, it stops people who don't own iPhones like John Meade from entering. The words limited entry, race and t-shirt seem to be irresistible to people with phones and credit cards. I suppose it's a good sign that there are lots of people running. Running is excellent. 

4. Brooks Ghost

I think I felt sorry for my Brooks Ghosts after the warm up, they really are great shoes but they are very heavy and not pink. It was a sad moment when I returned to the car after warming up with Chris. I untied the Brooks Ghosts and threw them into the boot of the car. Then I removed the beautiful magnificent expensive Pink Vaporflys from their silky white Nike bag and put them on. It felt bad, sort of like how it must feel to have your first blood transfusion or inject that first IU of EPO.

5. Bouncy Bouncy

I think that the Vaporflys are a lot more like a blood transfusion than EPO. With EPO you'd have to wait a few days or weeks for the EPO to help make the red blood cells. The Vaporflys are a lot more like a blood transfusion in that you just put them on and you immediately feel very bouncy. The first few steps at full speed are incredible, your feet spring off the ground like you are wearing springs on your feet, it's definitely more the foam than the carbon plate, the foam is so so bouncy.

6. The Loneliness of the Cheating Runner

I think that it was a very lonely race. Because of my shoe doping I was on my own from the very start. I imagine it looked like one of those cycling races where an unknown fella riding for an Italian team with lots of sponsors turns up doped to the eyeballs puts it in the big ring and rides away up a mountain. I wished that there was someone a bit better than me there,  like a John Meadeque runner so that I could test the cheaterflys properly. I just followed the big Jeep in front, I didn't look at the watch because when you're wearing Pink Vaporflys you know you're going fast. 

7. No More Hills

I think that the best thing about shoe doping is that much like EPO it makes hills far far easier. In normal non cheating shoes hills are problematic and slow you down as you have to spring up them yourself using your achilles tendon and calf muscle. In Pink Vaporflys you just spring and bounce up them, it is definitely my favourite thing about them apart from the colour. 

8. Niggles

I think that I spent most of the race worrying that a part of my body was going to be terribly injured by the Pink Vaporflys. I wear insoles that I got in a special place in Belgium because I have a hideous right ankle and a horrible history of stress fractures. The special insoles for the Vaporflys didn't arrive in time so I just wore them as is. I felt lots of potential injuries over the course of the 10k, the cross country badness wasn't noticeable but my left calf and right plantar fascia were alternating between cranky and happy, there was also a subtle undertone of pinchy knee. 

9. Feels 

I think that one of the reasons that Pink Cheaterflys make people way faster is that towards the end of races when you should be tired they keep you running in an upright position as they tilt you forward and make you pick your legs up. I've never experienced an end of a race where I felt so good. Normally I'm stuck to the ground like a mad lumbering monster. While I felt good I really really wanted the race to be over so I could take the shoes off and put them back in their white silky bag. 

10. It's Not About The Shoe

I think that I'm conflicted about the Pink Cheaterflys. They are so so much fun to run in. They allow you to win local 10ks when no one else can enter because the race is sold out. They make you look fantastic because they’re Pink and have a pointy bit at the back. They allow you to run 10k PBs on your own with bad legs from cross country but they really are cheating. I don't see how it's any different to doping, it's cheaper, less painful and more effective. At least with EPO and blood transfusions you have to suffer a bit. I suppose if it's legal it's not doping. It just doesn't feel right.

Cork County Senior Cross Country 2019

10 Things I Think About The County Senior XC

1. Who's Fault Was It

I think that when something doesn’t go as planned it’s always important to find out who’s fault it was. It was probably Mark Walsh’s fault that North Cork won the county senior. Although it’s probably my fault too for not beating Michael Herlihy like I’d planned. 

2. Badness

I think that two weeks is just about enough time to recover after a marathon. I had badness in my legs up until at least Thursday. It was subtle badness, the sort that reminds you its there when you wake up in the morning with sore legs despite doing very little, it seemed to be almost completely cured by an 8 mile run on Saturday morning. 

3. Where are my Spikes

I think that the environmentalists would not be happy with the number of new spikes on display. It’s not because the spikes don’t last it’s just that after the last cross country race of the year everyone forgets to clean them, throws them into a bag and forgets about them for at least 9 months. My tip is to stop at the car wash at the way home, put in a Euro, and power wash your spikes back to new. It really works.

4. Put Down Your Vaporflys 

I think I was a little surprised that there was not a single Vaporfly on display, especially after Kipchoge in Vienna, you’d think there’d be at least one fool. Conor and Mark had spikes that looked like Vaporfly spikes but disappointingly they were just regular non cheating spikes. 

5. Labels for Numbers

I think that the county senior cross country is the only race that uses labels for numbers. The problem with the labels is that they don’t really stick as they’re just regular labels. It’s even more of a problem when Donal Coffey takes your number by mistake and sticks it onto his singlet. Thankfully when you run as many races as I do there are always at least three safety pins somewhere in the car. 

6. Six is the Limit

I think that we had to run two many laps. Six laps is the absolute maximum that the brain can cope with. We had seven, one small and 6 long. It’s a lot of laps, it feels like it’ll never end. I even looked at my watch at one stage, not because I wanted to know what pace I was going but to see how long could possibly be left. 

7. Start

I think the startline was very intimidating, everyone on the line was a good runner. You’d almost be worried that you might end up coming last, especially when you have come last before. That’s why I made sure to go off good and fast because at least then you get some confidence that the marathon badness is gone.

8. The First Small Lap

I think that Tim, Sean and Ryan were at a different level to everyone else. I couldn't even stay with them for a few hundred metres. They were gone, it would have been nice if they'd been a little more cagey as I'd planned on using them to get a big gap on Michael and Conor. I never even got a gap on Conor he seems to have learned how to run cross country. 

9. Not Mike Again

I think I’ll never get the better of Michael. It’s a repeating pattern at this stage. I go off hard, get a big gap after about four laps then like some sort of preprogrammed monster he tracks me down relentlessly before dispatching me with a lap to go. I think he really enjoys showing how useless I am. 

10. The Curious Incident of Mark and the Number of Laps 

I think that those extra laps cost us the team title. Poor Mark got the number of laps wrong. In fairness it was a little confusing when the guy with the mic said there was two laps to go when there were three left. At the end of what was actually the second last lap I saw Mark up ahead sprinting past Mikey and Paul Moloney, then he tried to turn into the finishing straight only to find it taped off. He tried to burst through the tape like a dog trying to get through a patio door but it was hopeless. He tried to get going again but that was the end of Mark and the end of our team title. It’s almost grounds for a rerun, almost.

Berlin Marathon 2019

10 Things I Think About The Berlin Marathon 2019

1. Too Confident 

I think that if I had a press conference before Berlin I’d have been like one of those boxers saying “I’m in the best shape of my life, I’ll definitely smash John, Donal and Conor’s P.Bs, definitely, and on a perfect day I’ll take Michael’s too”. Unlike the boxers I wouldn’t have been lying, covering up a litany of terrible injuries to be unveiled only after the inevitable terrible loss. I was perfect, nothing wrong, no niggles, nothing. Unfortunately I beat nobody, well perhaps I’m faster than John Meade now, I’m not sure. 

2. Plagues and Pestilence 

I think that they should move Berlin to March. There are far too many plagues going around the place in early September. I caught a horrible disease in the dark, wet and cold doing the last 3 mile session before the marathon. I could almost pinpoint the moment the disease beat down my depressed immune system. It wasn’t a vicious disease but it was quite horrible probably a category 3 headcold, a barbed wire throat and a drippy nose. I used Strepsils and that Vicks First Defence Spray which I always thought was nonsense. The nasal spray just drove the disease into my sinuses and gave me a pain when I moved my head. Friday was definitely it’s peak, 5 miles on Friday with a sore head was no fun at all. 

3. The Cure for a Headcold

I think that the only cure for a headcold is sleep, lots of sleep. I normally like sleeping a lot but it feels like a terrible waste in Berlin when you could be doing excellent walking tours and visiting all of the Museums. To try and cure the disease I limited myself to one walking tour and no museums until after the race. I think it worked. I woke up Sunday morning feeling acceptable at worst a category 1 headcold. 

4. Parade Ring

I think I knew it wasn’t going to be a great day after 5k. I was sweating like a bad horse in the parade ring before a race. It wasn’t normal sweat, it was sick sweat, the sort of sweat that makes you feel wet and cold. I didn’t feel particularly generally terrible so I decided I was fine and kept going. I had no niggles so that probably helped, a niggle would have been way worse. 

5. Where’s My Bottle

I think I did a good impression of a large tall baby at 12km. Ronán and Lisa had kindly offered to give me a bottle and a gel at 12k and 32k. When I got to the roundabout at 12k I only saw Lisa on the left but she had no bottle for me. I was a little upset until Lisa pointed at Ronan who was jogging along on the other side with my bottle and gel. Once you starting using gels you start looking forward to your feed so to think for even a few seconds that it’s not going to happen is enough to trigger an upward lip movement. 

6. Trust in Trust

I think that I should have trusted Trust from Kilkenny instead of passing him during the race. I have run with him nearly every year in Berlin and I’d seen on Strava that he was probably in better shape than me. If I’d any sense I’d have just sat behind and ran along at his pace but my head just can’t cope with sitting, it always wants more. Instead I went after the first German lady so I could get on German TV. This plan did work in that I got on TV, but Trust put 3 minutes in me by the end. 

7. Viv of the Vaporflys 

I think it was a terrible pity that Viv was unable to run. He was struck down with a terrible injury the week before the race (almost certainly Vaporfly related). I know that he would have beaten me very badly given recent form, instead he was reduced to handing me a bottle and a gel at 21.5k. I felt very sorry for him. I’d prefer to have had a go at beating him. I think I’d have run better if Viv had run. It wasn’t the same without my enemy. 

8. Unscheduled Pitstop

I think that I need to figure out what is upsetting my stomach in Berlin. My stomach is normally well able to contain a marathon. Boston and Cork were perfect but Berlin has caught me two years in a row now. I thought I’d be fine because I’d executed the normal coffee protocol very well before the race. I’d even stopped eating at 7pm the night before the race to give it plenty of time. I felt perfect until about 32k, then the urge started coming in waves of increasing amplitude until I knew I wouldn’t make it home. I found a portaloo at 34k and made a 22 second pit stop (the splits are on Garmin). Stopping that late in the race is a very, very bad idea. I’d probably have been better off using the urge as a motivation to get home quicker. If Viv had of been running there’s no way I’d have stopped. 

9. Another Gear

I think that Viv was very wrong when he was telling me I had another gear left when he met me with a lovely water bottle at 38k. The only gear I’d left was get home gear. It was very bad, that horrible trudge where every time you look at your watch you’ve lost another second off the average pace but there’s nothing you can do about it just get to the finish. The marathon is an irritating race, I don’t think I’ve ever met a runner who was truly happy and content with their time. Everyone always thinks they could go a bit faster, always, everyone. 

10. Bekele the Traitor 

I think that it would have been brilliant if Bekele was still an Adidas athlete and had gotten within two seconds of Kipchoge in normal non cheating shoes. I assumed that he was still an Adidas man so I was already picturing the throngs of fools outside the Adidas shop on Monday morning to buy the new shoes. Then I found out that even the great Kenenisa had been corrupted by the Vaporflys and instead I was the fool stood outside the Nike shop on Monday morning. The pink ones are nice, they even have my size now. Let the cheating begin.

Zwentendorf Donaulauf 2019

10 Things I Think About The Zwentendorf Donaulauf 2019 

1. It’s Pronounced Nuclear

I think every town has something it’s known for. I didn’t know anything about the unused Nuclear plant in Zwentendorf until Friday when I was buying hipster coffee after a run in Vienna. The hipster coffee guy asked was I doing a race. I said that I was running a race in Zwentendorf. “Ah with the Nuclear Plant”. I was interested in a walking tour but they’re only on Fridays and sold out miles ahead. Next time. 

2. Stock Photo

I think it was safe to assume that the photo that was used to promote the Donalauf in rural Austria was a stock photo taken from Ireland. When I googled the race it looked a little odd to see Mick Clohisey in a Raheny singlet in the photo used to promote the race. I presumed that they’d taken a photo from a race in Ireland to use in promotion. Sure what would Mick Clohisey be doing in Zwentendorf.

3. Mini Cooper

I think that I might have to get a convertible Mini Cooper. We had to rent a car for the day to get to the race in Zwenendorf outside Vienna. I got an upgrade to a convertible Mini. At first I was horrified but it surprised me in how excellent it was. It was even orange like my sunglasses. Rhona said that I looked like a boss in it.

4. Donal-lauf 

I think that the main reason I was interested in running in Zwentendorf was that the race was called the Donalauf, who wouldn’t want to try and win a race with their name in it. It would have made a great story. 

5. Hauptlauf 

I think that I was a little nervous about the race being 6 times around a lap of just over a mile per lap. I was worried that lapped runners would be in the way. As it turned out it was perfect, a beautiful almost perfectly flat route with a lovely view of the Danube. The weather was even better, sunny and over 20 degrees. 

6. Mick Clohisey

I think I’d like it if in 7 years time the organisers of the race remember me like they remembered Mick Clohisey. Before the start the guy with the mic broke from his German spiel to welcome his two Irish guests Rhona and Donal. We even got a cheer. He asked if we knew the “great Irish runner Mick Clohisey”. I said we did even if I’ve never met Mick in my life.

7. McDonalds

I think you shouldn’t judge a runner by his t-shirt. It upset my brain to see a guy wearing a red t-shirt with McDonald’s on the back sprinting away at the start. He went off at a ridiculous Spanish style pace. I didn’t even try and follow because it was a very crazy pace and Ronan wouldn’t be surprised if I got injured being stupid in a small road race two weeks before Berlin. I arrogantly presumed that the McDonald’s t-shirt would come back to me if I just ran steady. I was wrong, lap after lap he just got further away, McDonald’s must be good. At least the guy with the Vaporflys on the start line was no-where to be seen. 

8. Coakley Donal

I think that laps are a great idea for road races, it creates a great atmosphere running past the start/finish line six times. It’s very excellent to have your name called out every time you cross the line, I particularly liked the Austrian order and pronunciation of my name, The Coakley Donal, much better.

9. Ludwig

I think that dogs should be allowed into every prize giving. Despite the almost Spanish style weather the podium and prize giving was inside in a parish hall, it was almost Irish except that everything was really well built and well finished. While waiting for the prizes we made friends with an Austrian dog called Ludwig. There is no language barrier with dogs, he even gave us a kiss. 

10. Happy Hamper

I think that it’s a terrible shame that I can’t bring some of the prizes home with me. I got to go on the podium twice. Once for winning the M30 category for which I got a medal and once for coming second overall. For second I got the Austrian equivalent of massive SuperValu hamper. We tried to give it to Ludwig but he was gone so we brought it back to the hotel and gave it to the housekeeper. She was delighted with it. Mick Clohisey didn’t have to worry about what to do with a hamper in 2012 as he only came fourth. Perhaps the Austrians will remember me yet.

Dingle Half Marathon

10 Things I Think About The Dingle Half Marathon 

1. Sold Out 

I think that all these sold out races are becoming a big problem. It was much better when you could easily enter the week before or just rock up on the day. Now everything is sold out months in advance. I only decided to do Dingle this week because Viv was doing it and I couldn’t face doing a session on my own. It was easier to get into the World Cross County than it was to get into the Dingle Half.

2. John “Dingle” Meade

I think that John Meade was genuinely scared that I was going to come to Dingle and steal his win with Viv. I sent him a message during the week asking if he knew anyone in the organization that I could contact about getting an entry. He said he knew nobody and sent me the generic email address from the website which I’d already gotten a PFO from. Instead I put a post on a Facebook group looking for an entry where I got offered about 50 entries. I bought one and sent another email asking if I could swap the number which they said I could. 

3. Sold Out Again

I think that it was nice to book a hotel over the phone rather than on the internet. On the internet Dingle was sold out of hotels just like the race. After my entry experience I presumed that this wasn’t true so I rang a few hotels. After a few phone calls I found a place across the road from the start and even got to do a bit of haggling. I miss haggling. 

4. 6E+13.1MP+1E

I think that Dingle is a long way to go to do marathon session. We were supposed to do 18 miles with 14 miles at MP in Cork which became a 6 mile warm up, the Dingle Half marathon at MP and a one mile warm up. During the 6 mile warm up Viv was whinging a lot, he was worried that he wouldn’t be able to do the MP. He told me not to wait for him if he died. I knew this was nonsense, especially when we got back to the car and he changed into his luminous Vaporflys.

5. He Always Wins, He Always Lies

I think that John Meade told lies to me during the week about not knowing anyone in Dingle. On the start line one of the organizers came straight over to him and thanked him for coming back. They were on first name terms, very friendly, possibly even Facebook friends. You’d almost think that he was worried about me and Viv getting entries. When the race started Meade sprinted off, I jogged alongside him for a while to torment him but he was intent on going away from us very fast. When we settled into MP one of the other guys in the group said “That’s John Meade up the road isn’t it?, He always wins, there’s no point in trying to follow him”. 

6. Mountains

I think I know why John Meade loves Dingle, it’s like he designed the route, it’s not even slightly ever flat, constantly rolling, never crazy hilly, just never flat. It’s a stunning route, I can understand why it’s in the Lonely Planet guide especially on a day like we had.

7. Bold Viv

I think that this was the first time that I had to give out to Viv. He was very bold during the race. Because he had the Vaporflys on the whole MP thing was just too easy for him. He spent from mile 4 to mile 8 running 10 meters in front of me and two other guys constantly looking back like we were a group of small children slowing him down on his run. I had to tell him to “I don’t care if you want to race and run away from us but don’t sit 10 meters in front of us”. I think this confused the other guys in the group because we were quickly down to just one other guy. 

8. The Gels Don’t Work

I think that the only problem with using a race as training is when you have the chance to finish 2nd and 3rd but there’s another guy that you just can’t drop. We had company up until mile 11, the other guy had been getting dropped and getting back on all day, when he reached for a gel at the bottom of the last climb I pushed on and Viv followed without any encouragement. I wasn’t sure we’d dropped him but as Viv was running looking behind him I was getting instant time checks from Viv. 

9. 1.1 Mile Race

I think I knew I wouldn’t beat Viv in a 1.1 mile race. It really wasn’t a race as Viv was far more comfortable than me at MP, ridiculously comfortable, I just followed his luminous shoes down the hill into the finish happy to be third and on the podium. John Meade was waiting at the finish delighted with his win. 

10. Podium

I think that it was nice to have an entirely Cork podium in Kerry. Viv was late which is unusual but I got them to wait for him so that we could take photos. We got a lovely bottle of champagne, a trophy, a little money plus most importantly free entry to next years race. Next year I’ll beat John Meade in a pair of Vaporflys. Nothing can stop me.

The John Buckley Sports 10 Miler

10 Things I Think About The John Buckley Sports 10 Miler

1. Contrarian Luddite

I think that the longer I hold out against the Vaporfly plague the better. I’m borderline obsessed with the things at this stage, they’re to me what electric cars are to Michael Herlihy. I have watched every conceivable YouTube video and I’m a member of every Facebook group, I’m happy to watch the expensive clinical trial unfold at the moment. I really really hope they cause permanent sudden onset idiopathic irreversible achilles tendinitis after 200 miles. Remember the Vibrams. 

2. Prorogued

I think that Saturday evening races are terrible, I wish I had been working, 8pm with work is fine, waiting around all day for 6pm with nothing to do is torture. I slept until 11, got up slowly, had many coffees, a croissant and porridge in the Bookshelf and then walked around town. Then I had more coffee and another croissant before collecting the number and pointlessly driving back home to drink more coffee before going back to warm up. It would have been much better if we’d just gotten it out of the way at 10am. 

3. Plunder and Pillage

I think that there will always be someone who is more insane than you. I thought that I was great by not really tapering for races but then Jonathan told me his plan for his holiday to Ireland, 4 races in 4 days. It’s completely brilliant turning up for a 10 mile race having won a 5 miler and a 5k on the two days before. To make it even better he got up Sunday and drove to Drogheda for another 5k. He ended up with three wins and a second. You know you’re doing the right thing whenever everyone else thinks you’re insane. JEP is a hero. We need more JEPs. 

4. Prefontaine

I think that I’m getting the hang of these longer races. I used to always worry that no one would go fast at the start and that we’d all end up running slow so I would always make sure that it wasn’t too slow. I now understand that you don’t have to run off the line like Prefontaine. It’s ok to just wait a few seconds and then follow someone reliable like Michael Morgan. 

5. Think

I think that the best thing about 10 mile road races is that you have the time and capacity to think, you can take your time, there’s no real panic in the first mile or the second mile, you just find someone like Joe Cunningham and sit behind him in the windy bit because you know he’s worried about not running sub 55. Don’t look at the watch just go by feel and listen to everyone else worry about being 5 seconds faster than planned. 

6. 10 Mile Pace

I think that the best thing about 10 mile road races is how it feels after about 4 miles. It’s so nice to be bouncing along the road with a swarm of Vaporflys thinking this is grand and easy isn’t it, I’m going to show them all today, I could go much faster if I had to. There’s a great temptation to surge to the front of the group and show how everyone how great your are. I learnt that lesson 10 years ago in Ballycotton trying to run away from a big group, in 10 milers you sit and wait with your cards well hidden. 

7. Discharged 

I think that it’s amazing how quickly the 4 mile feeling disappears in a 10 miler. I knew it would get horrible eventually but I was hoping it would only be horrible for a mile. Instead it got very horrible at mile 6 out along the water. I was doing my best to hang onto the Vaporfly shod trio of Viv, Mike and Joe. It was mesmerizing to watch the six luminous feet dance away from me. I knew if I got to the windy corner by the bridge with them I’d have a chance but the aerodynamics of that pointy bit at the back of the shoes clearly made them far faster in the wind and they drifted away gradually until the mental elastic completely snapped going up the mountain over the South Ring. 

8. The Line

I think that I like running along the line on my own. It was like doing a session where I try and follow Alan in the distance except with Viv instead of Alan. I quickly gave up any hope of beating Viv once we got over the bridge. It was a little upsetting and I did get a little unmotivated but then I forgot that he existed. It was so nice, so peaceful and quiet on the line. 

9. Tugboat Dave

I think that I might have cheated a little in the last mile, it wasn’t deliberate, more circumstance. I had a bike in front of me for the last mile. Dave O’Mahony appeared in front of me and insisted on cycling very slowly blocking the horrible headwind. He was almost as much shelter as Joe on the first lap. I don’t think it was cheating as everyone else was wearing Vaporflys so a bike is probably fine. It was definitely less miserable. 

10. Hop

I think that the most annoying thing about this race was not getting humiliated by Viv and the Vaporflys, it was that I came within 3 seconds of having a faster 10 mile P.B than John. I didn’t even think about it coming up to the finish. If I’d known I’d have sprinted so hard, picturing his small heart breaking as my big lumbering frame crossed the line. I’m nearly almost there, it’s almost better to do it this way, beat it gradually, although I wish I could beat real Hop. I think he might even make a comeback if I do beat his P.B. I hear the vaporflys are very easy on the knee.

Musgrave’s 5k

10 Things I Think About The Musgrave’s 5k

1. Most Expensive Race Ever

I think that this was the most expensive race that I have ever run. Boston was bad at €250, but the Cork BHAA Musgrave's 5k has cost me €280. 

2. Altitude 

I think that that 10 days at altitude in Font Romeu helped a little bit, not like 5% but maybe 0.2%. It's more of a placebo effect in that you feel like you've improved massively because you can suddenly power up the stairs without getting out of breath. 

3. Taper and Diet

I think that tapering is nonsense, I ran lots and lots in Font Romeu and I felt fantastic for the 5k. I also ate appallingly, bread, croissants, pain au raisins and pizza for 10 days. It makes no difference. Shoes are far more important.

4. Follow Conor

I think that I had a very good plan for the first mile of the race. My plan was to follow Conor and/or John Meade. Alan O'Shea tore off at the start, only Alan O'Brien was able to make any attempt to follow him. I sat in a nice group just behind Conor. I assumed Viv was well back. I was wrong, very wrong. 

5. Trail Expert

I think that I'm more suited to the trails than the Marina. I didn't trip or fall once in 10 days on the trails in Font Romeu despite the deadly rocks everywhere. You'd think that I'd be safe enough down the Marina but on the way down to the Marquee I nearly came undone on one of the many potholes. Thankfully I have been taking agility lessons from John Meade and I was able to recover from the stumble and continue on. A gap however had formed, a gap that would not be closed.

6. 1994 La Flèche Wallonne

I think that this race reminded me of cycling in 1994. I'm very young so I don't actually remember 1994 but I've seen YouTube videos of the cycling back then. Viv's performance in the 2nd mile of this race was exactly the same. He disappeared off up the road at an unbelievable speed, a speed that doesn't make sense to your brain. You know it's happening and can see it happening but it doesn't make sense. I felt powerless and sad. 

7. Lemon to a Knifefight 

I think that I am like the American cyclists in 1995. I'm trying to fight clean just like Lance was. Just like Lance I'm getting tired of being massacred in races. It's becoming increasingly clear that this is not a fair fight. My Brooks Ghosts just won't cut it any more. 

8. Unbelievable Viv

I think that Viv's performance regardless of the cheating expensive shoes is still incredible. He even beat John Meade. I've done most of the sessions that he puts on Garmin with him so I should be about the same as him if not a little better due to my youth. These beatings are very hard to take. I was extremely suspicious after the race so I checked his veins for signs of blood transfusions but I couldn't see any marks. He might just be better at resting and training. Perhaps my mileage is too high. I'm really confused. I don’t know what to do, I just want to beat Viv. 

9. Eternal Happiness of the Sub 16min 5k

I think the one consolation from this awful race is that I finally got a result that shows a time of 15:58 on the results page. I thought that this would bring eternal happiness after 9 years of trying but like everything else in running there is no such thing as eternal happiness just an eternal desire for more. 

10. Carbon Zero 

I think that these carbon shoes need to be banned. They are making a mockery of the sport. You should not be able to spend €275 and suddenly beat someone very badly. Perhaps there should be a separate race for the people who buy them and don't tell their wives that they spent nearly €300 on a pair of shoes they'll wear three of four times. Nearly everyone in the top 10 had a carbon plated shoe. Myself and the fair good just kind man John Meade should be acknowledged as the true winners. It's not fair.

Cross Popular Llivia

10 Things I Think About The Cross Popular Llivia

1. Last Minute Dot Com

I think that we should not have assumed that a small tiny road race in Llivia would sell out. It was only on Thursday night after dinner that we got around to entering. I tried to enter everyone on my iPad but it wouldn’t take my credit card. Then I saw that there were only 6 entries left and that entry closed at 23:59 on Thursday. With some minor encouragement Conor used his high tech laptop to enter the 5 of us just before 23:59. 

2. Llivia 

I think that Saturday was my first time running in an enclave. Llivia is in Spain but actually in France. They forgot about it when carving up the border after one of the many wars so it’s Spain in France. I prefer Spain but also like France so Llivia is very perfect. 

3. Scheming

I think that the race in Age the Saturday before ruined our chances in Llivia. After all the conspiracies in Age we spent the night before the race conspiring against each other when we should have been conspiring against the Llivians. I told the lads I’d lead it out and try and burn off the Llivians, however this was a big lie, I just wanted to beat John and maybe Conor too. 

4. Cross Country Season

I think that August was too early to start the cross country season. The race in Llivia was an unusually great race, a mixture of cross country, trail and road all in one. The start of the race was a loop of a beautiful excellent grass cross country loop, then a mile or three of trail, a mile of downhill road and finishing with a lap of the cross country course. Perfect really. 

5. Lliviaed 

I think we should have known that the race would not start on time it being Spain in France. It was only a minor delay, perhaps 20 minutes, no one really cared because it was warm and sunny, although we were warmed up way too early. I really should have done a few strides just to keep going. Instead I did Donal Coffey’s patented zumba based warm up which made me horrendously stiff and sore. 

6. Alfie Inge

I think I should have gotten more vengeance on Meade on the cross country loop. I didn’t get a great start because my legs were dead from Coffey’s warm up so I had to work my way through the field. Conor started it all off by hitting me a shoulder, Donal grabbed my arm, then as we came to the final hairpin bend before the trail section I saw my target Meade up ahead, I knew it was a perfect opportunity for revenge. I sprinted as hard as I could down the inside of the hairpin and nailed Meade with a perfect excellent shoulder. “That’s for Age” I thought in my head. I should have hit him harder. He didn’t even fall, all that really happened was that the handy looking Catalan got a big gap on us all. 

7. Singletrail

I think that I could have beaten Meade if I’d gotten ahead of the last of the Llivians just before the singletrack trail section. After getting distracted trying to get revenge on Meade I was unusually far back for the first mile. Then as we got to the singletrack section I just missed the break and got stuck behind a Llivian. With that Meade, Conor and the handy looking Catalan Triathlete were gone.

8. Meadeless Suffering 

I think that I was very surprised to see Meade get dropped by Conor and the handy looking Catalan Triathlete. I could see them up ahead battling, surging, fighting. I was fully expecting Meade to sit and kick at the end. Then the unthinkable happened and Meade was dropped. Just like in one of the altitude fuelled dreams I dreamed of catching him, elbowing him into the ditch and running off into the distance. Sadly just like the altitude dreams I woke up and realised it was impossible. 

9. Down the Hill

I think that if I’d gotten to the end of the trail with the Catalan, Conor and Meade they would have been in trouble. I didn’t so it’s pointless to say so but it is nice to think. I was very fast down the hill and onto the cross country loop for the last time. Strava said I was the fastest down the hill. I tried everything I could but I couldn’t catch Meade for 3rd. Conor tried but couldn’t better the Catalan. An Irish 2,3,4. Donal Coffey was 7th but tried much harder than in Age and beat Spaniards so was happy. 

10. Whiskey and Beer 

I think that the Llivian with the mic liked Irish people. He even sang a little bit of the Wild Rover when Conor and John Meade went up to collect their trophies on the podium. A great race. We should do races like this in Ireland, a combination of everything, would be great, no one would complain.

Cursa D’Age 2019

10 Things I Think About The Cursa D’Age 2019

1. Third Time Lucky

I think that I would love to win the Cursa D’Age. It’s a very small race but it’s exactly the sort of race that I’d like to win. No nonsense, €6 entry fee, nice t-shirt, abroad, in Spain, random course distance, hills, trails and road.

2. Scorchio 

I think it was a little hot for running at 6pm, thankfully we got Spained a little in that the race was actually on at 6.30pm, it cooled down a little by 6.30pm but it was still scorchio.

3. Niggles

I think that the best thing to do when you are a bag of niggles is a race. It’s guaranteed to move all of the niggles around. I had a new niggle for this race, a painless lump feeling under the ball of the outside of my foot. It was like there was a stone under my foot but without pain. After the race it was gone. 

4. Defending Champion

I think that I should have known something was up when the defending champion John Meade came to the race despite not having entered. A very unusual act. I had kindly offered to enter him despite knowing that he’d beat me, he refused saying that his old body wouldn’t withstand a race. Conor had entered but wasn’t running because of his only know weakness his Achilles. 

5. A Liar and a Thief

I think I should have known something was up when John Meade appeared at the start with Conor’s number under his t-shirt. I pulled up his t-shirt to see the number underneath which caused him to accuse me of assault. He was rather convincing in telling me that he was going to pace Sinead, I genuinely believed him especially as we’d run 8 miles in the morning and he was complaining of tiredness and oldness.

6. Footsteps

I think that the worst part of leading a race is the constant sound of footsteps behind you. It’s a horrible sound, although it is better than the sound of the footsteps getting louder. I had a quick look around after about 500m and saw nothing but Spaniards. This convinced me that Meade was actually being honest about pacing Sinéad and not being a liar and a horrible coward. 

7. Still Leading 

I think that I should have known what was going on on the windy traily bit of the course. I could still hear footsteps behind me but the footsteps were not accompanied by any great sounds of distress, it was an unusual combination of sounds considering the noises that I was making but I just assumed it was a good Spaniard. I didn’t look back as that’s not allowed. I knew the course so I decided that I’d just stay in front and wait for the downhill before making an effort for the finish.

8. The Move

I think I thought that I had made the decisive move at the top of the trail, I made an effort and could no longer hear the footsteps, then I waived the water and sprinted as hard as I could down the hill convinced that no Spaniard could follow my incredible downhill running. 

9. Pas de Cadeaux 

I think that I should have known what was going on, I knew that I’d still have to make an effort all the way to the finish especially as the last 200m are uphill. Just  as I got to the bottom of the hill who appeared beside me only John Meade smiling. I tried everything I could to sprint away from him but he seemed to be happy to just run alongside me, me sprinting him jogging. As we got closer to the line I started to think that he might just let me win like a nice man but no we crossed the line together me all out him jogging. 

10. 0.1 Seconds 

I think I was the actual winner of the race not the cowardly Meade. I was convinced that I’d crossed the line first as when I looked across he was behind me slightly. After lying on the ground for a while I went over to the guy with the mic and asked to see the result. 0.1 seconds. The coward the champion, they took the times from the chips. If only I’d worn mine on my right leg. At least I got to stand on the podium. Still an incredibly cowardly act. Vengeance will be sweet.

Bremen Brückenlauf 2019

10 Things I Think About The Bremen Brückenlauf Halbmarathon

1. Bremen 

I think that Germany is my favourite country after Spain and Ireland and maybe Iceland. I really like being sent to Germany for work, it’s even better when you find a race that’s on at the weekend. I thought I was going to be able to run a race where I was staying in Münster which would have been perfect, but it started at 7pm on Sunday was too late so Google took me to Bremen on Saturday instead.

2. Food

I think that the reason everyone is so healthy looking in Germany is that the food is so terrible that it is impossible to eat too much. It really is bad, very grey and salty food. I ate mainly bread, croissants, jam and tomato soup for the week. 

3. Train

I think that the trains in Germany are almost as good as the trains in Spain. To get to the race I took the train from Münster to Bremen on Saturday morning after running a final lap of the perfect Lake Aasee. The train was 10 minutes late but they send you an email to apologize. It’s faster than driving on the Autobahn and way easier. 

4. Taxi or Tram

I think that Germany is the only place where public transport is better than cars and taxis. Because it was raining I thought about getting a taxi to the race which was about 6km from the city centre. I found a cab and got in but the taxi driver was very angry and told me to get out when I asked if I could pay with card. Then I clipped a cyclist with door when getting out of the taxi which made him even angrier. Then I got the tram. 

5. Next%

I think that I knew that I wouldn’t win the race at the start line. Initially when I looked around I thought that I had a chance mainly based on the shoes people were wearing. I knew from the previous years results that a fast Seb would win if he turned up but everyone seemed to have Seb on their number so that didn’t help. Then a Seb with the new expensive Nike runners that Michael Herlihy has arrived. He looked very fast. He was. 

6. Plan

I think that I did very well in sticking to the plan. My plan was to run somewhere around Marathon pace to practice for Berlin. It is always dangerous to plan Marathon pace in a race because it is very easy to get carried away if there is a chance of a podium. I felt terrible from the lack of food all week so it was easy to run marathon pace as it felt like half marathon pace. 

7. Course

I think that the course was perfect. It was on those hard straight bike paths that I love to run on. It started at the Paulaner pub and ran up along the river past the Werder Bremen stadium crisscrossing all the bridges. It was a little twisty turny but there were lots of nice buildings to look at so the 13 miles flew by. It was sort of like the route along the river in Seville but without the sun. 

8. Company

I think that I was glad to have company for the race. After the start it was clear that the Seb in the Nike Next%s was way better than the rest of us and completely unfollowable. I ended up in second with another Seb. It was perfect because he seemed to want to run the same pace as me so we ran along together. It was very handy because I didn’t understand what the people who were telling us where to go were saying so anytime I was confused I waited for him to run the right way. 

9. German Viv 

I think that the race was very good practice for beating Viv in Berlin. After about 16k I tried to run a bit faster because the wind was behind me and I like finishing second. I felt bad running away from Seb who had helped me follow the course. When we talked at the finish he said that he had run 2:29 when he was younger but that at 43 he was too old. I told him about Viv being way older and still beating me, he was very impressed.

10. Podium Beer

I think that this podium was my favourite ever. Because the race started outside the Paulaner pub they had big huge jugs of beer for us on the podium. It wasn’t even alcohol free beer, it was proper beer. Then like in Formula 1 they got the German Viv who came third to do interviews in English. I like interviews, I think I said good things, I don’t think any one noticed my awful t-shirt and burgundy pants ensemble.

Millstreet 5 Mile 2019

10 Things I Think About The Millstreet 5 Mile

1. Don’t Poke The Bear

I think it was a very bad idea to relentlessly taunt Viv for the last 2 years. It has been a full 2 years of relentless victories, 2 years of bad beatings. A lesser being would have given up but not Viv. To be honest I was more worried about Donal Coffey than Viv in Millstreet, I spent far more time this week taunting Donal than Viv. It turns out I was very wrong.

2. Ironman

I think that it is the ironman’s fault that I had two terrible blisters for today’s race. I got them from running in the ridiculous rain on Sunday. They are horrendous blisters, one was is on the hood of my second toe on my right foot, the other is at the top of the curve on the inside of my left foot. I did everything to fix them, I used Germolene to try and numb them up but they were terrible and very debilitating all week. It’s amazing I was able to run at all. 

3. Warm Up

I think that I knew that I was in trouble during the warm up. I felt terrible when normally I feel tremendous. My blisters were hurting me every footstep both right and left foot. I ran with Donal Coffey because I believed that he was the only one that needed psyching out, I saw Viv but I let him off because I was very confident of administering a bad beating even with my badly damaged and blistered feet. 

4. Where Do You Think You Got it all Wrong Today

I think that I got the first mile all wrong. I got very excited at the start because there were so many excellent runners there that I believed that I could beat. I immediately forgot about my terrible blisters and took off down the street at a pace that I can’t run anywhere except in a race. Kevin Maunsell came past after 100m but everyone else stayed behind even Michael. I even tried pushing the pace as I knew that it would be awful for Viv and the other Donal. I knew I was also annoying Michael too so that was good. 

5. Train

I think that I knew I was in big trouble when we got to the train tracks at about two miles. I was still in the front group with Mikey, Mark Tim, John and John but I was getting much closer to the exit door. I wasn’t too worried as I was pretty sure that Viv and the other Donal were miles behind and no one ever makes time up in the last 3 miles of a 5 mile race. 

6. Water Bottle Respect

I think I knew that the lads in the front group didn’t respect me when I didn’t get offered a water bottle just after two miles. They all looked so comfortable passing the water bottle around, John Meade looked like it was just another easy run, he was almost deliberately trying to look at ease, turning around offering the water to everyone, everyone except me. 

7. Falling

I think that it is terrible the way that you get shelled from a group that you don’t belong to in a race. It feels like you are falling backwards. The third mile was very bad as the group disappeared around the many uphill corners. I could see that Tim O’Connor was next in line to leave the group so I focused on him. Then I heard those footsteps, those familiar footsteps from those Marathon Pace runs around Blackrock, I didn’t even have to look, I knew it was Viv, closing, closing rapidly, like a robot that had been preprogrammed by Ronan to destroy me. 

8. Don’t Look Back at Vivian

I think that it was a big mistake to turn and look at Viv, I have never looked back in a race before. It took Viv until well into the fourth mile to finally catch up to me. When he got up to my shoulder I couldn’t resist checking that it was him so I looked behind. A very bad idea, my heart sank when I saw him with not a bead of sweat nor sign of any great difficulty on his face, what happened next was inevitable. 

9. The Millstreet Massacre 

I think that Viv must have prepared the bad beating that he administered on that final hill into the finish. It was dramatic in its ferocity, it was if he summoned every jib, every dig, every taunt from the last two years and used it as fuel for a 200m sprint. He just disappeared up the road, gone, as much as I tried to catch him it was pointless, it was over, beaten, badly, by Viv. 

10. A Small Battle

I think that it was a very bad night. Because Viv beat me badly and all of the other lads who are much better than us turned up I came 8th. I won nothing, no envelopes, nothing. In the hall where I watched everyone collecting nice envelopes filled with money I considered total training reform, training properly, eating properly, doing everything properly. Then I thought about it again, this was just a single battle, the war is being won, Viv is well behind and Coffey was beaten very badly. There is no change required, it was just a blip, a minor blip, not to be repeated.

Donoughmore 7

10 Things I Think About The Donoughmore 7

1. 13 Years 3 Minutes

I think that it is amazing that I’m still able to run 13 years after my first time running this race. It was back in 2006, it doesn’t seem like 13 years because if you look at the results it’s the same people still running. In those 13 years I got 3 minutes faster. That’s a lot of training for 3 minutes. 14 seconds per year improvement. Another 13 years and I should be able to win, comfortably. 

2. Excuses

I think that I was right to give myself lots of excuses for this race. I was extremely worried that Viv the mountain goat would prance past me on the two mile mountain and finally beat me. In order to ensure that I had adequate excuses I did extra miles and went to the Magic Numbers in Cyprus Avenue when I should have been in bed sleeping. I had other excuses prepared too but I’ll save them for another time seeing as I didn’t need them for this race. 

3. Shakeout

I think that it’s very important to do a shakeout run the morning of an evening race. A shakeout is any run that doesn’t exceed 5k or 25 minutes in length, any longer and it’s a run and potentially an excuse. I did precisely 3 miles before this race. The perfect shakeout. 

4. Altitude 

I think that Donoughmore is as close to altitude as you’ll get in Cork. It’s very far away up in the hills with a viciously cold permanent breeze, it reminds me of Anglesboro without the mountains. 

5. Two Miles Uphill

I think I forgot that the first two miles of the course are uphill. I tried to go with Alan, Alan and Gavin at the start to try and get a good gap on Viv and Jonathan, I wasn’t able to stay with them but I could keep them in sight. Michael Morgan came with me which was unsurprising. Then Mike Morgan dropped me which was unsurprising. 

6. Weeeeeeee

I think my favorite part of this course are the three downhill miles. I’m very excellent at running downhill because I’m huge. I could still see Mike ahead so I decided to match his cadence and try and catch up to him, this worked as I have much longer legs and running is cadence x stride length. I knew he was getting very worried because he kept looking behind him like he was being chased by a monster with orange sunglasses on. By the fourth mile I had closed to within 10 seconds by my own accurate counting, I was even catching Alan rapidly.

7. Two Mile Mountain 

I think that I probably ran up the last two miles faster 13 years ago than I did this evening. I’m way too huge to run uphill for two miles at any sort of reasonable speed. I don’t know what weight I am but it’s definitely over 12 stone. 12 stones don’t move up hill quickly. Any dreams of beating Mike Morgan quickly disappeared. 

8. Jonathan 

I think that Jonathan Murphy was probably the last person on earth that I wanted to see on that mountain. Just as I started the 6th mile I could hear him gently pawing the ground behind me, then he glided past like he was oblivious to the fact that we were running on a mountain. Jonathan versus me on a huge steep mountain is not a fair fight, it’s like Anthony Joshua vs that big Mexican guy except they have to box running up a massive mountain, there’s only going to be one winner. 

9. Fun

I think my battle with Jonathan was the most fun that I have ever had in a road race. For a mile and a half on the two mile mountain to the finish I felt like I was re-enacting Lance Armstrong vs Pantani on Mont Ventoux. I was definitely Lance, bluffing majorly and hoping that the drugs would start working soon. I bluffed a couple of times, wandered across the road, made a little sprint, tried to shake Jonathan off but each time, even if distanced a little, he’d annoyingly jog back up on to my shoulders. Then when he saw the 800m sign, just like Pantani, Jonathan happily danced away. I really really desperately tried to follow but unfortunately I am not Lance, I am Donal. 

10. Prizes

I think that there were a lot of prizes in Donoughmore. It is an excellent race if you like envelopes. I got two envelopes, one for 6th and one for winning the team prize for Leevale. I also had to collect Viv’s two prizes. I think that I should get to keep his prizes as I beat him very badly again. There should be a prize for repeated bad beatings. Next week will be a great week as I’ll get to beat both Donal Coffey and Viv at the same time in one race in Millstreet. It’ll be excellent.

Grant Thornton 5k 2019

10 Things I Think About The Grant Thornton 5k

1. Someday

I think that someday I will win this race. I’m a proper loyal company man,  I’ve run this race every year since 2016, I almost deserve to win it at this stage. I thought that today might be the day as there are lots of money races on Thursday and Friday that should have drawn away the mercenaries, then I saw John Meade on the South Mall and a realized that it would remain a someday. 

2. Permadusk

I think that I am the only person who does a warm up to check if it is suitable for sunglasses. The weather is very strange at the moment, it is bright but dark, dry but rainy, warm but cold, very strange, very unsuitable for sunglasses. I ran the race route for my warm up as I was concerned that it would be too dark for shades under the trees. It was very dark, too dark, so no shades, this made me sad but safe. 

3. Lizzie Gun

I think that the sight of Lizzie Lee holding a gun at the start line is one of the scariest things that I have ever seen. She had that glisten in her eyes that said “I have a gun”, she even pointed it at me. Thankfully it was only a starting gun. 

4. Countdown

I think that Lizzie needs to work on her race start countdown, it’s goes 5,4,3,2,1 bang, not 5,4, bang. It didn’t really matter anyway as everyone starts running when they hear a gun, especially when it Lizzie’s. 

5. Badness 

I think that mile one was very fast, far too fast, way too fast, John Buckey 5k fast. I think that it reawakened my marathon badness. I’m pretty sure that I am actually still bad from the marathon but that I am just immune from feeling it, it’s like I’ve been vaccinated against the badness. Anyway it definitely reawakened after a mile and I got shelled from the Meade and Mckeown group.

6. Small Victories

I think that it’s always a good race when you pass someone and they don’t pass you back. Today’s victim was Niall Touhy, I caught him after about 2k. I wasn’t very confident that I’d keep him behind because he has far more talent that me but it was worth a try. Then I tried to catch the orange vest of Kieran McKeown. This didn’t work. 

7. Tall

I think that it didn’t matter which one of Cian or Niall was behind me coming into the finish. I never look behind because that’s not allowed so I had to wait until I got passed to find out who it was. I knew it was someone tall because they sounded tall so I was sure it was one of them. It turns out that it was Cian. He was very fast, I didn’t really try to keep up, 6th was grand.   

8. Fun

I think that it’s a very bad idea to run two races within two weeks of a marathon. I know this, but if you can get away with it’s great fun. I think I’ll just  race until it’s not fun. I know it’s idiotic, I know it’s not sports science, I know that it’s mad, I know I should recover, but it’s fun and that’s all that matters.   

9. Wisdom

I think that I might be a dramatically better runner after tomorrow. I have a cracked wisdom tooth which I will have to part ways with. I’d prefer to keep it but Niamh and Ian both said it must go. I’m hoping that it has been slowing me down all this time and that just like David Beckham when he moved to A.C Milan, fixing my teeth will have a miraculous effect on my performance. Tooth doping, perhaps, hopefully. 

10. Trophy Time

I think that it was Meade’s fault that I missed the trophy presentation. Meade tells excellent stories so the warm down after the race became very elongated, I can’t remember any of the stories but they were excellent, I think one of them was about how John got great at running by not running. Unfortunately I missed the chance to collect the prize for third placed team. Thankfully Lizzie collected the trophy for us and I eventually got to go on the podium/stage after for an excellent photo with Lizzie and the trophy. I like trophies.

Doneraile 10k

10 Things I Think About The Doneraile 10k

1. Aer Lingus

I think it is Aer Lingus's fault that I ended up running a 10k six days after a marathon. I booked the race sitting on the plane in Dublin airport while the pilot fought with air traffic control and Ryanair for a takeoff slot. I saw the words "race" "limited entry" "will sell out" and "Doneraile" on Facebook. There's something about the words limited entry that appeals to a large section of my brain. Then I saw the Doneraile House shaped medal and I simply had to enter. Then I forgot about the entry like most of the stuff you see on Facebook just before you take off. 

2. Leave Before the Taxis Have Gone

I think that this has to have been my best ever debadification. I'm not sure if I was ever really bad after the marathon. I woke up Monday morning expecting the usual headache and terrible badness. When I woke there was nothing, no headache, no badness, nothing, just morningness. It was terrible really, I like the supebad feeling, it reminds you that you've done a marathon. It's almost as important as the medal. I must make sure I'm superbad after Berlin

3. Wine

I think that wine is very important for removing badness after a marathon. I drank two excellent bottles this week, I know they were excellent because I bought them in SuperValu after scanning most of the bottles in the shop with the Vivino app. I had nothing better to do because I couldn't run as much. I think I'll stop now though, back to the San Pellegrino and Heineken Zero Zero.

4. Doneraile Park

I think that Doneraile Park is my favourite place to run after Spain, Boston and Berlin. It's super beautiful, there are deer, dogs, swans and miles of lovely trails. I used to run there all the time when I lived at home. When I first started running there were no races in Doneraile, I always dreamt of a race that would finish at the top of the hill, that never happened because it's mad but at least they have races there now. 

5. Don't be Afraid Now

I think that I knew that I might have a chance of a win at the start line. The start line was up by the beautiful gates of the Park which are very beautiful and like a small version of Berlin. At the start line everyone except me was afraid to come up to the line. This was very unusual, normally I have to push my way through or be clever. Then we started and I was still the only one at the front. 

6. Prescriptions

I think that it was nice to run on the roads which had the names of the place that I used to get prescriptions from in the pharmacy in Doneraile. Convent Road, New Road and other Roads. It was very nice to finally see those roads as I normally just ran in the park. Maureen even came out from the Pharmacy to shout me on when we ran back through the town at the 5k mark.

7. Rolling

I think that Doneraile is a very hilly place, this is surprising as it doesn't look hilly. The course is not exactly flat. It's very rolling, up and down, very little flat. The first 5k was all on the roads, then we ran back through the town and into the park through the beautiful Park gates.

8. Slippin and Slidin

I think that Doneraile has become slippier since I left, I know the park like the loop around Blackrock but I don't remember the bridge to bridge km ever being so slippy. It was like slippy ice, I couldn't run on it, at least I knew it was only a km, then we were back on the wooded trail. I don't like slipping.

9. Doonbeg

I think that I would like to buy Doneraile Park. If I ever make lots of money I will, I will turn it into a big running hotel where people can come to train in the park. It would be like Doonbeg only with me instead of the Trump and running instead of Golf. 

10. The Spread

I think that the spread in the hall in Doneraile was excellent, I have never seen such an amount of food. They even had separate vegetarian and vegan sections. It looked wonderful. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to stand on the podium which appeared to be only for display purposes. I was not disappointed with the contents of the white envelope for first, I’m one step closer to my dream of owning the park. It can't be that expensive.

Cork City Marathon 2019

10 Things I Think About The Cork City Marathon 2019

1. It Began in Boston

I think that it is Viv’s fault that I ended up running the Cork Marathon. Viv loves running marathons so I knew that he couldn’t resist Cork. When I found out the day after Boston that he was going to run I had to run as I get great enjoyment from beating him badly. 

2. TREMENDOUS Taper

I think that Garmin Connect is an excellent tool for psyching out your enemies like Viv before an important race. I knew that he would be stalking me on Garmin to see how my taper was going so I used Trump style TREMENDOUS titles to make him think that I was having an excellent taper. In reality I was going through the usual pre marathon random unexplained worrying and feeling apocalyptically awful on every run. Dwell times increased even for a 6 mile run and I was worried a lot about my wisdom tooth. 

3. Hangry

I think that food timing the day before a marathon is vital. A pizza takes approximately 12 hours to be processed so the last significant food intake before the marathon needs to be around 7pm for an 830am start. I’m normally not very hangry but when pizza is delayed until  8pm I get a little very fidgety. I think it was just in time as everything was perfect on Sunday morning stomachwise. 

4. Operation Drop Viv 

I think that my plan to do everything that was necessary to drop Viv before 10 miles was executed perfectly. I didn’t think that he’d go with 5:50 pace but he did. He was still perched on my shoulder like an unwanted parrot at three miles so I pushed a little harder to try and shake him off. I didn’t look at the watch or at Viv but just increased to a level that felt just about tolerable until I could no longer hear him or his supporters shouting “Go Viv”

5. Tailwinds

I think that you had to take advantage of the tailwinds for the first half of the race, it was idyllic running out to the tunnel, my favorite race conditions, a big tailwind. I’m very good with a tailwind because I’m snapped like a sail so I catch the wind and get blown along. I was at the tunnel without every thinking about how horrible running at marathon pace is. I knew it wouldn’t last but it was so nice. 

6. Negative Feedback 

I think that giving people negative feedback works. It’s a very good idea to ensure that when someone makes a mistake that you ensure that they know that their mistake was unacceptable. Two years ago John gave me very warm moldy water by Brookfield in the marathon which I can still taste to this day, I have reminded him of this on many occasions. Proof that my negative feedback works came at Blackrock Castle where Hop handed me a nice chilled bottle of fresh water, definitely the best water bottle of the day, it was at least Ballygown quality. Abuse works. 

7. Familiarity Breeds Contempt

I think that the section of the marathon on the path by Blackrock is the worst. I run that route way too often because I like it so I know what it looks like at 7:30 pace. For some reason it looks exactly the same at 6:00 pace. It’s very concerning and there’s no one there to tell you that you’re doing ok and not slowing dramatically. Then I met Ian at the rowing club who told me I was 7th, 7th meant money, Alan and Ronán confirmed the money on the John Buckley loop which amplified my motivation, I’d forgotten about Viv. 

8. Headwinds 

I think that the second half of the marathon was worse than normal. The course is bad enough without 5 miles of twisty turny hills with no one about. Up by Turners Cross was very lonely and very windy. Then the twisty turny bits start. Turning is not exactly my strength, turning and running uphill into the wind is definitely not my strength. I was getting very worried when after the thirteenth uphill twisty turny bit I suddenly heard footsteps behind me, I didn’t look back for fear that it might be Viv, then Mike Corbett powered past, this made me happy as it was 6 miles further into the race than last year. 

9. PAIN

I think that I love the pain at the end of the marathon, it’s very pleasant pain, if my toenail hadn’t exploded again I’d have had the perfect amount of pain for the day. Unfortunately my toe nail went pop at about mile 24 which meant 2 miles of real pain, real pain is ok but it’s not happy pain. I prefer happy pain. Cork is a very good marathon to run for happy pain. 

10. Caddies

I think that I have perfected gels, I took 5 gels, the Cliff Lemon and Lime ones with caffeine. The only issue with gels is that you need someone to give them to you. Fortunately I had an excellent gel caddies. Even though I was administering a bad beating to his father Viv’s son Gavin handed me three gels. Hop gave me one at Blackrock and Rhona had one for me at the Lough and another at Victoria Cross which I didn’t take. The only issue is that technically my support team are entitled to 10% of my winnings. I’m not sure if Hop deserves his yet as that moldy bottle of water was only redeemed today. I’ll think about it.