Newmarket 5k 2021

10 Things I Think About The Newmarket 5k 2021

1. The Forgotten Race

I think that you know you enter too many races online when you start forgetting what you entered. The number for this race arrived in an unmarked envelope. I didn’t know what it was for initially as I was so certain I hadn’t entered this race that I had begun giving out about the race saying, “That’s a ridiculous race”. Then I got the email from the organizers matching the 69 on the number to the race, it would have been a shame to waste the number.

2. Paris Roubaix

I think that maturing your Vaporflys in a cellar for a few years before a big race might be a good idea. The cyclists do this with their tires for Paris Roubaix. My pair were stranded in San Francisco for 18 months so they had plenty of time to mature. They were manufactured around the same time as the pink and yellow vintage Vaporflys which everyone knows are the best vintage. They definitely felt extra bouncy after the 18 months maturing.

3. Jeyes Fluid

I think that I was very right the last time I was in Newmarket for a race. It was just before the world closed down and I predicted that it might be the last race for a while, hopefully it won’t close down again a week later like the last time. There was no jeyes fluid on display this time so I would think a lockdown is unlikely.

4. Don’t forget your Vaporflys if you want to go to work

I think that if you forgot your Vaporflys for this race you’d have been in big trouble. I would estimate that approximately 100% of the runners were wearing Vaporflys. In the battle of the Olympians Eddie Dunbarr had the white and pink Next%2 and Paul O’Donovan had the pink Next%s. They should start giving prizes for the first non-vaporfly runner at this stage, it could become a good category.

5. Kilometre Uno

I think that the first kilometer of this race is the problem I have with this race. The course is very ridiculous. The first kilometer is very downhill and you never have to give back the downhill. If it was the Leaving Cert this would be the accredited grades option of 5ks, you won’t be disappointed with your result. After an initial false start which I had nothing to do with we tore off down the hill at an impossibly fast speed.

6. Breaking 16

I think that the conditions for this race were the type of conditions that Eddie Dunbarr’s Team Ineos scientists would pick for a 5k world record attempt. The temperature was about 10 degrees, there was almost no wind and the sky was lightly blue. It was sort of like the conditions for the breaking 2 in Vienna just in Newmarket and downhill.

7. Cones

I think that every race should have a cone that you turn at. I like cones in races as you get to see who is behind you. When we got to the cone at about 3k I had a look at who was behind. The only one I was worried about was Bernard. I was right.

8. Niall and the Arm warmers

I think that I picked the wrong person to run behind after the cone. When we turned at the cone there was an ever so slight headwind on the way back to Newmarket. It wasn’t noticeable at all if you ran behind someone. I had two choices to run behind, Niall O’Riordan or a guy in arm warmers. The guy with the arm warmers was bigger so I picked him. This was a mistake as Niall dropped him and I had to bridge across to Niall which made me very tired.

9. Tour de Pharmacy

I think that this is a great race if you want to have a race. There were so many good runners in the race that no matter where you were there was someone to race. Once we got back to Newmarket Bernard appeared on my shoulder in his mustard and green Vaporflys. I thought I might be able to beat him but he seemed to have measured the race perfectly and went straight by me and bridged across the gap to Niall that I thought was unbridgeable. By the time I could think of trying to make an effort to catch up we were down the hill and across the line.

10. Ridiculous

I think that running a downhill 5k race like this could result in a tormenting next 12 months until Newmarket is on again next year. Course records are a far better idea than PBs. The Newmarket 5k is ridiculous, ridiculously good, ridiculously fast.

Carrera de Bomberos 10k 2021

10 Things I Think About The Carrera De Bomberos 10k

1. Madrid

I think that Madrid was an odd choice for a race. I don’t really know why we chose Madrid, there were lots of other places to go especially as Cork airport has no flights and we had to go from Dublin. We could have gone to Malaga for the Marathon but that would have been like doing a race in Dublin with a few additional English people in the sun.

2. Inflation

I think that the price increases for races back home are not justified . Races in Spain seem to cost the same as before. This race was €10 to enter. For that you got chip timing, loud music, lots of inflatable gantries, a free t-shirt and a non-approximados 10k course on the smoothest tarmac in the world.

3. Minding Oneself

I think that John Meade and Viv must have been horrified by the thought of being beaten by me in the race. Normally on a holiday I am the healthiest person on the holiday. When compared to John Meade and Viv I am like a pig. The two croissants with peanut butter and jam as a pre-brunch must have horrified them. I knew that if I could stay near them that the thought of being beaten by a croissant eating fatopotamus like me could be enough to make them panic and give up. I was very right.

4. Retiro Garrote

I think that I did an excellent job in psyching out Viv on the morning of race. I took him for a 3 mile warm up before the race around the Retiro, I told him that the Spanish masters scene was very strong and that an M50 had recently run 2:24 for the marathon. He looked very scared. I couldn’t psych out John Meade as he regards my warm ups as too long so he did his own thing which probably involved hand stands.

5. Puerta del Sol

I think that the start of the race was excellently chaotic. The race started at one of the seven branches off the Puerta del Sol square. Unlike Irish races where no one goes near the front for fear that they might be accused of having notions every Spaniard young and old, with and without Vaporflys wants to be at the front so we had to start about three rows back. This makes the first few 100 metres interesting especially when there is lots of street furniture to be dodged.

6. Juan Meade

I think that you can never judge a Spaniards running ability by his looks. One of the Spaniards took off at a ferocious pace and got a big gap on the rest of us. He didn’t look like what you’d imagine a Spanish 10k runner would look like. He was strong and muscly, sort of like a shorter Spanish John Meade. Everyone behind seemed to be of the opinion that he would come back to us. He didn’t.

7. Zapatos Magico

I think that 2019 was the sweet spot for racing in Spain. The magic shoe disease hadn’t spread to Spain at that stage and only Irish people like me knew about it. There were many Next%s in use in the race, the most popular variety seemed to be the designer Gyakusou green and black pair that are so horrible that Nike had to sell them off at half price to get rid of them.

8. Elder Abuse

I think that what the real John Meade did to Viv on the climb up to the Bernabeu was nothing short of abuse. After the first 2k the race settled with a large group headed by the real John Meade chasing the Spanish Juan Meade up ahead. I was at the back of the large group, Viv was sat on John Meade’s shoulder matching him stride for stride with about 6 Spanish runners between Viv and me. On the 4K climb the Irish John Meade kept turning the screw until only Viv was left with him. The Spanish John Meade was still up ahead. I wasn’t able/was too sensible and let them have about a 25 second gap by the time we got to the cone at the top of the course.

9. The Glorious Catch

I think that I was very surprised to catch and pass Viv. Once we turned at the cone the last two miles of the race were back down the hill on the most beautiful smooth tarmac in the world. It was Michael Herlihy tarmac. As I had been sensible on the hill I was able use my magic shoes on the downhill to reel in the majorly struggling Viv. It was extremely pleasant to gradually get closer to him. When I got near him I made sure to absolutely bury him knowing that he would be thinking “that fatopotamus is beating me, this is terrible”. I ran the last mile extremely quickly as I was delighted with myself. I caught no Spaniards. Juan Meade won, beating John Meade into second.

10. Trophy for Everyone

I think that getting a trophy to bring home on the plane is an essential part of any holiday. We collected four trophies in total. Meade got two, an absoluto and a moderately old man trophy. Viv got an intermediate old man trophy and I got a masculino trophy. The podium was excellent in the sunshine and blue skies, I missed racing in Spain so much, it’s good to be back.

Munster Masters XC 2021

10 Things I Think About The Munster Masters XC

1. Operation put Viv back in his box

I think that it is very important to have a goal going into a race. My goal for this race was to put Viv back in his box. After his crushing victory over Alan O’Brien and Mike Morgan in the Killarney Half Marathon he had become intolerable, ne needed to be shown that magic shoe races mean nothing.

2. Two Minutes Hate

I think that listening to Brendan O’Connor on a Sunday is great preparation for running a cross country race. I was glad to hear that the enemy has changed from mouth breathing runners and joggers to South Africans and children. I listened intently and stored up the stress, tension and anger for use during the race. I might be getting addicted to the doom and gloom, I kind of like it.

3. Gorgeous Muck

I think that if you were going to bet on any place having some muck it would be Clarecastle. I imagine that there is muck there even in summer. Beating Viv was entirely dependent on there being at least some muck. It was a great relief to pull into the car park and see lots of muck and puddles, even the sight of muck is enough to slow most people down especially Viv. I was a little worried when I jogged the course as it wasn’t exactly heavy going, just moderately soft.

4. Viv’s Nonsense

I think that the worst part of having to race Viv is listening to the nonsense and excuses before the race. He tries a little bit of everything. Abusive comments on Garmin Connect were followed by complete nonsense about missing the entry and potentially not being able to run. I took no notice, I was surprised he didnt have a niggle. I tried to put him off by telling him about my potential stress fracture niggle.

5. Never ask a Masters Athlete his Age

I think that I owe James McCarthy an apology. I incorrectly assumed that he was an M40. I was so certain that I went up to him and said “you’re an M40 right”. My assumption was based on the fact that I have been running for what seems like 20 years and James was winning races when I started which would have easily made him 40. He’s not M40, he’s M35 like me. I’m not sure if he was insulted or not because East Cork people are like Kerrymen, they give nothing away.

6. Thank You Jonathan

I think that it was great of Jonathan Murphy to do my job for me. I knew that my only hope in this race as with all cross-country races was to get out fast and make the race as hard as possible. I had accepted that Michael Harty and John Kinsella were unbeatable but I knew that they would be cautious. I took off down to the first corner expecting to have to do all the work but Jonathan cut me off and led for the first lap. It was ideal.

7. Making The Calculation

I think that cross country running has a lot of similarities to cycling. In the Tour De France when a cyclist disappears up the road Sean Kelly always talks about making the calculation. I had to make the calculation after the first lap that Harty and Kinsella were going to have to be let go. It felt like I decided to let them go but in reality I think they just got rid of me.

8. One Trick Donkey

I think that I will have to go to the track and develop some speed. Because I can’t move much quicker than 5 minute mile pace no matter what happens I have no other strategy than to grind people off. After two laps I was in third place, I could hear two people breathing behind me. I didn’t think either of them was Viv so I was very happy. I could hear shouts of “Go on James” and I spotted a white Thurles singlet out of the corner of my eye so I kind of knew who I was dealing with.

9. Category > Overall

I think that the M35 category should be null and void if beaten by the M40s. Because I knew that Harty and Kinsella were M40 I knew I only had to beat James McCarthy to win the M35. I knew from the Masters track that the Thurles singlet was M40 so when we went onto the last lap and the Thurles singlet started to pass me out I just followed him because as long as I couldn’t hear James I was safe and would become the great M35 champion of Munster. This is a ridiculous way to race but a medal is a medal.

10. Victory over Viv

I think that I only believed that I was going to beat Viv in the last 200m. You can never be sure that he is gone as he races very cleverly. I only knew for sure that he had been beaten when someone told me I was clear behind. This was great to hear. In the end I beat him very badly by nearly 30 seconds which is ages. Because it was Masters Athletics we both got gold medals which was great. So we both won but I won more. Masters athletics is great.

National Senior XC 2021

10 Things I Think About The National Senior XC

1. Well Done Races

I think that every runner needs a good humbling every now and then. It is too easy to fall into the trap of running “Well Done” races where you beat the local GAA player by 3 minutes and collect €100. The National Senior XC would put you back in your box, fairly lively. This is the opposite of a Well Done Race.

2. Santry

I think that Santry makes Abbotstown feel like running around a cemetery. Santry has so much more atmosphere. The course is nice and narrow. The crowds can move from one side of the course to another so they can see the runners twice or even three times a lap. It feels like there is always someone watching you. It’s fabulous, a great experience, the European XC will be on the wrong course.

3. Nerd Alert

I think that Athletics Ireland will have to start checking shoes on the start line to stop cheating. When we lined up at the start I looked down and saw a fella wearing AlphaFlys, the Kipchoge colourway, the ones that are €10 extra for the Kenyan flag. AlphaFlys have a stack height of 39mm which is 14mm higher than the 25mm stack height limit for XC. I was so angry I was tempted to burst one of the silly air pods with my 12mm spikes, I probably should have because the AlphaFly guy went onto lead the first lap.

4. Conner Mantz

I think that watching the NCAA XC on Saturday almost convinced me to wear Dragonflys for the race. I thought about it for a while and decided that it was not worth dirtying a pair of €150 spikes for the sake of 2 or 3 places and the loss of the moral high ground so I left them at home and accused everyone who turned up wearing them of pseudo cheating.

5. Elbows Out

I think that my favourite thing about the race was the amount of elbows that were being thrown. It was a magnificently physical race. Normally the elbows stop after the first 200m but in this race they went on for a good 2 laps. It was great fun. One fella said sorry about elbowing me which was ridiculous, I was not sorry about anyone I elbowed.

6. Hey Heywood

I think that I didn’t have enough raw speed for this race. I went out as hard as I could to try and get ahead of and torment a few people but I was still the last Leevale guy after a lap. I passed Heywood on the second lap but he quickly easily caught me again, he kindly encouraged me to stay with him as he passed me, I really didn’t want to stay with Heywood, I wanted to stay ahead of Heywood, I wasn’t able to stay with Heywood.

7. Black Hole

I think that because I went out a little too fast for my own ability the second half of this race felt like being sucked into a black hole. I was passed by a lot of people, too many people. I didn’t get lapped so I suppose I didn’t enter the actual black hole.

8. Headache

I think that once you start counting the laps in a cross country race you are in big trouble. I was suffering majorly after the first lap. That first lap was so hard I started to get a headache. Because I’d been listening to Brendan O’Connor on the drive up I diagnosed myself with the disease. I considered dropping out and buying one of those antigen tests but then I remembered that the reason I run is because I like to hurt so I kept going. The headache cured itself.

9. Social Media Medal

I think that there will eventually be a social media medal in these races for the best performance by a runner with a social media presence. It could be competed for by bloggers and podcasters, sort of like the master’s category but for writing and talking nonsense, it would almost be the same category anyway. I absolutely hammered the runner from the Runner Beans podcast so I think I might have won this category.

10. Again Again

I think that I don’t have too many more of these National Senior XC races left so I need to look for reasons to have them repeated. Today was the first time I felt very very old in a race, more of the field was younger than me than older. Hopefully Athletics Ireland do the right thing and invalidate the race due to the AlphaFlys adversely influencing the race, violating World Athletics Shoe rules and we get to do it all again next week. I can do the shoe policing if they need someone, I’d love that.

The North South Masters XC

10 Things I Think About The North South Masters XC

1. Don’t Forget to Bring the Singlet

I think that the most important part of the weekend was to remember to bring the Irish singlet. This was the whole point of the weekend, the green singlet. I really should have done one of those Instagram post with the singlet the night before the race, but I bought it off the internet, so it didn’t seem right.

2. King Billy

I think that it was a great idea to bring Billy to the race in Belfast. A cross country race is a great place for a toddler, toddlers love cross country races. They don’t actually watch the cross-country race but they enjoy the grass and attacking other children.

3. Old Man

I think that old men like me are not able for a long XC season, the tendons in my lower legs are really suffering. Physios on twitter tell you to load your muscles and tendons to cure the niggles while removing stress from your life. I think this is nonsense as my calves are completely overloaded from wearing spikes twice a week and I have a perfect level of stress. Physios need to learn about magic shoes, I plan on curing my niggles by going back racing in magic shoes running in a delusional and pain free state again.

4. Queen’s Farm

I think that the race was excellently organized. The race took place on the Queen’s University playing pitches which is like a hilly UCC Farm. There was one muddy section on the downhill part of the course which is the first mud I’ve seen on a XC course all year. The lap was a proper lap with tight ankle breaking turns and small little steep hills but still plenty of fast sections, it kind of suited me, it was great fun to run and went by too quickly. I wish it had of been 10 or 12k.

5. 1215 or 1230

I think that having any timetable for the race was great after having to guess the start of the Munster Senior. There was a little bit of confusion about the start time as one email said 1230 and on Facebook it said 1215.I went with the Facebook option which turned out to be more accurate. Two timetables is still better than none.

6. Aussie Team?

I think that the start of the race was my favourite part of the race. There were two pens at the start, one for the Irish team and one for the Northern Ireland team. It looked like a battle scene. Apparently according to Instagram at the start I looked like Morgan McDonald who is a tanned hairy Australian runner, I will take this as a compliment and a sign that I should keep the hair and keep using the fake tan.

7. The Old Man Mile

I think that the first lap of the race was very cagey, I suppose it was a master’s race but the start was very slow, it was sort of like the old man mile you have to start doing when you get over 30, I ended up leading, not because I wanted to but because no one else wanted to. I lead for about a kilometre before the Northern Irish lads and Toldo warmed up and tore off into the distance.

8. Keep Her Lit

I think that running in Northern Ireland is great. It is kind of like a race abroad as it sounds completely different during the race. It's not very different but it is different enough to be refreshing. The crowd seemed to be more encouraging than back home, they shout stuff like Keep her Lit that you see on t-shirts in St George’s Market.

9. Motivation

I think that it was very difficult to find a reason in the race. I didn’t really want to badly beat anyone in the race. The Northern Irish M35 lads were in a different league to me so I couldn’t race them and you couldn’t really hate fellas like Niall O’Riordan so I couldn’t motivate myself when he went past me. It was an odd race on that front. In the end I just tried to run as hard as I could which is an acceptable way of racing too.

10. M35<M40

I think that the problem with the M35 category is that it gets harder every year you get older. Then you reach the M40 category and it get inundated by the people who refuse to accept M35 as a category. Next year I would like to run against the English, Welsh and Scots too. I might as well take advantage while everyone else my age is afraid of being called a masters athlete it might be my only chance and its a great day out.

Munster Senior XC 2021

10 Things I Think About The Munster Senior XC 2021

 1. Guessing Game

 I think that the Munster Senior XC is a unique event. It is the only event in the world where you have to guess when your race will start. It’s great fun, more events should do it. Imagine the stress of a big city marathon where it would just start randomly +/- 1 hour. It would make it much more interesting.

 2. The Hour

 I think that I would be much happier if the clocks went back an hour every day. It suits me and it really annoys all the people who think they’re great because they get up early in the morning. I got up at 10 which was actually 11 but it felt like 10. It didn’t matter because I didn’t know what time the race was on at so the clock was irrelevant anyway.

 3. Zero Muck, Zero Time

 I think that the field in Two Mile Borris must be the best-drained field in Tipperary. It rained a lot during the week, so it was looking promising for a morale-sapping, speed-reducing muck fest. I was very worried when I arrived at my best guess of 1:30 pm to see that the ground was barely even soft. I was even more worried by the sight of the women’s race which had already started about an hour before when I had guesstimated.

 4. The Numbers

 I think that I was a little stressed trying to get my number. Normally at a XC race you should have started your warmup before the women’s race starts. I hadn’t even arrived, had no number and no warmup. Then they announced on the PA that the men’s race wouldn’t start until 15 minutes after the women’s race. I didn’t really trust this so I ran around combining my number search and warm up into one event.

 5. Gerry and The Pacemakers

 I think that the man with the mic only had two records with him. It would have been better if the record was Ghost Town, instead we got You’ll Never Walk Alone. Just before the start it was announced that in the tradition of the Munster Senior XC the national anthem would be played. I was hoping for another rendition of YNWA but we actually got the National Anthem which was very disappointing.

 6. Don’t Get Injured

 I think that the most important thing with running is not to get injured. Everything else is not worth worrying about. If you could avoid getting injured for 12 years and just keep running you’d be very good, unbeatable almost. When the race started I ended up racing fellas who reminded me of when I was 23. It’s terrible because they’ll all probably get too motivated, go mad on the mileage, get injured and be like me when they’re 35 back exactly where they started.

 7. Viciousness

 I think that I have a target on my head. Every single person who passed me in the race did so viciously. Barry was particularly vicious when he passed, I wonder is it because of the hair, it must be easy to build up hate for the hair in front of you which results in the vicious passing. Once he passed me and got a gap he slowed down so it must be the hair.

 8. The Poisoned Crow

 I think that I could never be confident of beating Mike in a race no matter how big the gap. As usual, I got a good gap on Mike over the first two laps. Mike races like a crow who has been poisoned, as the race warms up, he heats up and starts to fly. My only hope was that the gap I had cultivated was big enough to withstand the charging Mike. I could see him at the end of every lap when the course turned back on itself. I saw that he was wearing a t-shirt under his singlet which was encouraging as that’s always a sign of not really being too bothered.

 9. Discrimination

 I think that size-based discrimination played a part in my little detour at the finish. I had held my position better than normal only getting passed by two young fellas and Barry. I knew Mark Walsh was on my back as I turned the last bend where the course separated into the finish and the normal lap. I’m presuming due to my bigness and general hairiness it was presumed that I couldn’t possibly be finished so the gap was opened and I was sent off for another lap. I had to duck back under the rope to get back into the finishing straight. In the end, it didn’t really matter, all it did was save me from having to sprint against Mark Walsh which would have been pointless anyway.

 10. Great Run by Me

I think that I will have to do an Instagram post to make sure everyone knows about my great run and a great victory over Mike. Even with the finishing straight discrimination, I beat him badly by 20 seconds which is an awful lot. The size of the gap and the fact that he was wearing a t-shirt under his singlet made me feel sorry for him so I didn’t do any real gloating. I always knew that I would eventually beat him, it is kind of disappointing that like when I finally beat John Meade it was very, very easy.

We won the team, I was sixth man so got no medal. I think I still helped as I had East Cork lads behind me. I’m the tanned hairy man on the right.

Autumn Open XC 2021

10 Things I Think About The Autumn Open XC 2021

1. 35

I think that it is great that they have races for old men like me. It’s like starting running all over again with extra potential for medals in every race. The M35 category is a wonderful category where you get all the benefits of old man running without being or looking like an old man.

2. 15

I think that part of being a masters runner is being clever enough to jump through the hoops required to run in the separate masters trial race. At the number collection there was one desk where you collected your number for the race then another masters table where you were told “€15 cash, no cash - no race, no race - no trial, no bank, no card, €15 cash”. As I am proud to be a master’s runner I sprinted back to the car, rummaged around until I found €15, sprinted back to the desk, put my €15 on the desk, and got the 35 number for my back.

3. Arm Warmers

I think that people are taking running way too seriously. The Kipchoge disease is rampant. 24 week training blocks with no races, A goals, B goals, C goals and arm warmers. It is terrible to see. Unless you’re going to be qualifying for the European XC you might as well race as often as possible and have some fun. After last year I’m never skipping a race again, except the one on Friday which I’m skipping because I can’t face driving to Kilkenny, it was only a C goal anyway and I’m starting a new 2 week block.

4. Ingebritsen Shorts

I think that I need to get a pair of those Ingebritsen shorts. All the young fellas are wearing them. They look desperate but they seem to make you run quicker. I would probably have to start shaving my legs again because the hair would start coming through the shorts like when I was cycling which wouldn’t look good on Instagram.

5. Plague of Dragonflies

I think that there were too many dragonflies on that start line. The course was ridiculously hard, it was like a bumpy track, sort of like the Mardyke track surface after the floods in 2010. I don’t think Dragonflies make as much difference as the magic shoes but XC spikes shouldn’t cost €150. They should be €80 like my Brooks spikes with no fancy bouncy foam.

6. Road Race

I think that this race might as well have been run on the road. The Abbotstown course needs to be muddy otherwise it isn’t XC, it’s just a rolling moderately hilly road race. On the 1.5k lap you are running the same effort all of the lap, it’s like how you’d run a 5 mile road race, just metering out the effort knowing that you’ll never have to change cadence. There are no sharp corners to make you have stop and accelerate and the hills aren’t steep enough to make any difference.

7. Wexford Sand

I think that they should dig back up the sand off the course and take it back to the beach in Wexford that they stole it off. The sand makes no sense. It’s not even sandy sand, it’s hard sand that has mixed with the soil to make a substance like a soft track. If they were going to put sand on the course they should have dumped it all together and made a big sand dune to slow everyone down.

8. Mullingar

I think it was interesting to have the juniors, seniors and masters athletes all in together in the one race. The junior and masters athletes seemed to be the only ones who changed places after the first lap. The junior athletes all went off like lunatics. After about 3.5k they seemed to get tired and fall back through the masters athletes who aren’t as fast but slow down less. I think I only passed junior athletes, I assumed that they were junior athletes because of the shorts, I don’t think anyone passed me except a fella from Mullingar.

9. Magic Numbers

I think it was great to have the age numbers on the back of the other old men that I was racing. I was only interested in the number 35 as they were the only old men that I had to beat. It looked like only a few moderately old men handed over the €15 cash at the desk as I could only see one 35 up ahead of me even if there were lots of people over 35 ahead of me.

10. Irish Team

I think that getting selected for the M35 Irish team would be great even if the race is only against Northern Ireland. I have always said that masters running is great. I have always admired great masters runners like John Meade and Donal Coffey. Now that I am beginning the aging process I see how really great it is to have something new to aim for even if you do have to pay €15 cash to enter the trial. Even if I don’t make the team at least I’m now a fully paid up masters athlete.

Stolen from Lindie Naughton’s Flickr

Cork County Senior Cross Country 2021

10 Things I Think About The Cork County Senior Cross Country 2021

1. The Day is Gone

I think that 3pm is a wonderfully terrible time for a race to start. No one ever runs at 3pm in the day, not even teachers, if you looked on Strava it is probably the least popular time for anyone to run. My body always feels terrible at 3pm. Today was no different, nothing to do with the marathon.

2. Gold Medal Walk

I think that walking around a farmer’s field just outside Macroom with an Olympic gold medalist is not something you expect to do before a cross country race. I spent most of the walk trying to convince Paul O’Donovan that medicine is an awful career and that pharmacy is much better. He hates emails though so he probably wouldn’t like my job.

3. Make a Move

I think that Bernard’s comment about making a move in a cross country race is one of the most ridiculous delusional comments I have ever heard before a race. No one makes a move in a cross country race, it is a gradual process where everyone just gradually slows down, any changes in position are due to reductions in pace, not increases.

4. Hairbands

I think that the highlight of my day came just before the start. I was showing the Olympic gold medalist my hairband that I got from China off Amazon which he was very impressed by. A lovely woman came over to us and said, “would you mind coming over and saying hello to my daughter”. Naturally, I assumed that she was talking to the man with the gold medal, not the similarly hairy but entirely talentless lump. “She’s a big fan of your blog”. So off I went leaving Paul solo and fanless.

5. Durometer Score

I think that the start of this race was too fast. The ground was ridiculously hard for a cross-country race. It was like a hilly track race that suited all the track runners not the traditional cross country lumpers like me. I had 12mm spikes installed and on the section of the course that was like the sweeping turns on a Formula 1 track you could hear the spikes hitting the rocks. It definitely needed more water.

6. The Old White Dragonfly Test

I think that every cross country course should be certified beforehand by getting someone to run flat out wearing a pair of Nike Dragonflys. If they complete a lap of the course without breaking their ankle then the course should be made more twisty, cows walked around the field and water poured onto the course. This should continue until the Dragonflys are impossible to wear.

7. Motivated Meade

I think that John Meade’s performance today was entirely focused on beating me. I felt personally targeted by him. I was very suspicious when he said that he was turning up as he normally comes up with some ridiculous excuse to avoid having to be beaten by me. I was well ahead of him for around a lap which isn’t a lot when there are 7 laps. The second time up the huge hill Meade surged ahead viciously, I passed him again on the flat section before the little steep sweeping hills but he made the killer move by surging even more viciously the third time up the massive hill. After that, I had to watch his white singlet gradually get further and further away.

8. Motivated Mikey

I think that Michael Herlihy’s performance today was entirely focused on beating me. It was exactly the same as the experience with Meade except without the surging on the hills as Mike is the only person worse than me at going uphill. It did take until about 5km into the race for him to catch me which at least probably caused him some mental distress which is at least something.

9. Vocal Togher

I think that Togher gave me too much credit. Once I had been dispatched my Meade and Mike I settled into a group with a few Togher runners, the Togher support on the course was very vocal, the most vocal. Being an ex-Togher member I’m surprised that they thought that I would be any threat at all. “Stick with him, you’ll get him at the finish” was far more complimentary than I deserved. In the end, I didn’t even stick with them long enough to be any threat in the finish and all of the Togher lads beat me badly. It didn’t really matter as there were about a million Leevale athletes in the race so we won the team event.

10. A Little Boy Has Been Found

I think that the guy with the mic must be a Father Ted fan. The “A little boy has been found” followed by “the little boy is crying” and then “we have taken control of the little boy” was almost line by line from the Funland episode. It must be on purpose, there’s no other explanation. It’s a pretty special event, no wonder Paul O’Donovan wanted to run it. It was a great day out, plus it’s not every day you get to beat an Olympic Gold medalist badly.

Berlin Marathon 2021

10 Things I Think About The Berlin Marathon

1. I’m Only Here Because I’ve an Entry

I think that it is an excellent idea to run a marathon a few months after a desperate injury. Four months is the perfect window of opportunity whereby you get to do enough training to get around but not enough training to have to worry about times. Training without time in mind perhaps.

2. Row H

I think that starting in row H would not have been excellent. When they gave me my number there was a small big H on the number. Row H means start at the back. Thankfully there is a queue for people who think they should start at the front. I joined this queue because I am a runner and a runners pride is based entirely on their marathon PB. The lady at the desk wouldn’t accept my 2:36 from Berlin in 2019 because it was too long ago, she said that while my arms looked skinny enough she needed to see proof of training, so I showed her my one marathon paced run of 15 miles on Strava which she agreed was super and worthy of an A sticker being placed over the H.

3. Tofu and Rice

I think that while I wasn’t too worried about the race I was determined to get my stomach right for this marathon so that I could use the protocol in future. The new protocol involved no restaurants, bread and hummus, croissants and a meal of basmati rice and tofu eaten 14 hours before the start with a tower of power 4 hours before. The protocol worked so so well. I had a perfect belly for the entire race and even afterwards, perfect. The maurten gels settled magnificently on top of that mixture.

4. The Silent Walk

I think that the walk to the start of the marathon is very odd, it wasn’t much different to other years except that people were made wear masks. The silence makes no sense as there are thousands of people walking along making almost no noise. Then you get to the startline and the noise of people talking about the times that they’re going to run starts.

5. Start

I think that it is great that the organisers didn’t change anything about the start. Apart from the masks there was no difference to any other year. Well there was one difference, at the start everyone I knew ran away from me very quickly, Viv, Trevor, Conor, Jeremy, John, all gone up the road never to be seen again after only a few metres. I pretended not to care but I kind of did, bad beatings are hard to take.

6. Joe’s Service Course

I think that Joe could start a new company. The company would offer personalised bottle and gel drop off during marathons. If people are willing to pay lots of money to coaches to get them to the marathon then why wouldn’t they pay to have someone give them a bottle and a gel twice during the race. The service was exceptional.

7. GPS and Reality

I think that a lot of people ran virtual marathon PBs today. The Strava police need to be on the watch for anyone claiming a GPS PB, this crime should be reported and should be punished by being made to start in row H in every marathon for every more. The GPS was so inaccurate you might as well have not had a watch. Only the 5k clocks were worth paying attention to. I didn’t really pay much attention to either, I ran along at what felt like about 6 minute pace roughly.

8. Ich Nichten Lichten

I think that I was lucky I hadn’t invested too much in this marathon. After about 20k it started to get really hot and really sunny. It was like the Charleville Half Marathon with all the humidity, less wind, more sun and extra heat. Because I wasn’t really planning on suffering too much and anyone I would have gotten pleasure out of beating was miles up the road, I slowed down a little bit sort of like how I imagine you’d drive an electric car if you were worried about the battery life.

9. Bowerman

I think that the Shalane Flanagan should go back to running properly. She had said before the race that she was going to run all the Major marathons in 3 hours. At about 33k she came past me flying, running like someone who was fed up running with useless articles like me. I jokingly shouted at her « you’re only supposed to be running 3 hours, don’t be taking the piss ». She turned and scowled at me worse than any scowl I received running in 2020.

10. Magic Shoes

I think that magic shoes are great, I have never run a marathon and been pretty much 100% functional afterwards. This was my first marathon in magic shoes and while it was one of my slowest this does not mean I am wrong about magic shoes being the work of the devil. I am even more convinced of their evil. Hopefully I will get the chance to exploit their evil properly next year.

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Castlegar Open XC

10 Things I Think About The Castlegar Open XC

1. Real Running

I think it has been too long since my last cross-country race. It’s been nearly a full two years which is about two years too long. Cross country is the best type of running, there are no magic shoes, no GPS watches, no pacing and no one cares what time you ran, it’s just about where you finished and who you beat.

2. Galway

I think that my hair felt at home in Galway, it is very Galway hair. People in Galway are very different and interesting unlike in Cork where they all wear the same clothes for fear of being noticed. No one had hair like me on the start line in Galway but there was an excellent Mohawk which is like the opposite of my hair, much more aerodynamic.

3. Saturday

I think that all races should be on Saturdays. I know lots of people work on Saturdays but they work on Sundays too. Saturday is so much better a day for a race, Sunday races interfere with Saturday whereas Saturday races interfere with nothing. 1245 is also an excellent time for a race.

4. Racecourse

I think that TV cameras are very bad at showing how hilly horseracing tracks are. You would think watching horse racing that horses don’t run up hills at all and that when the commentators are talking about the hill on the course they are talking about the sort of hill that Michael Herlihy says there is at the Farm. The racecourse in Galway is very hilly, undulating.

5. Winter

I think that it was very apt of the winter to show up for the race. It started raining just as we lined up for the start. It wasn’t like the rain that’s been around for the last few weeks which is pleasant to run in. This was proper cold Galway rain that makes you wish you weren’t wearing a singlet. It didn’t make any difference to the ground, but it made it feel like a proper cross country race.

6. Who’s Who?

I think that cross country attracts an entirely different crowd to the road racing scene. I was definitely one of the oldest people in the race and most of the runners probably didn’t have an Instagram account. The only one I really knew was Mark Walsh so I decided I would try and beat him for the day. The start of the race further confirmed my suspicion that everyone in the race was less old than me because it tore off like the start of the National Novice.

7. What a Course

I think that the course was excellent. A 2k lap normally feels desperate long but this lap was very short. There was everything, long grass, downhills, uphills, left hand turns, right hand turns and a jump over hay bales. The only thing I would change is to add more bales to the jump to make it higher and harder. This would be a better course for the All Irelands than that disgrace of a course in Abbottstown.

8. Not Too Bad

I think that I was very happy with my race after 3km. Liam Brady was just in front of me and I hadn’t seen Mark Walsh since the start. Then the adrenaline started to wear off and my shoelace started to loosen.

9. Wardrobe Malfunction

I think that I will have to tape my shoes with duct tape in future. It is a horrible feeling 3km into a cross country race to feel your shoe start to come loose. Then you feel the laces whipping your right leg. Then you start to slow because you are beginning to think about stopping to tie them and then Mark Walsh flies by confirming that you need to stop to tie them if you’re going to have any hope of catching him.

10. The Worst Mistake

I think that having shoelaces come undone is one of the worst things that could happen you in cross country race. It is entirely your own fault and it costs you the chance of losing in a sprint finish with Mark Walsh, instead you just get to lose miserably, watching him finish before cross the line yourself a few seconds later. I will have to come back next year to put it right.

Lakes 10k 2021

10 Things I Think About The Lakes 10k

1. Wicklow

I think Wicklow is a great place for a race when you are from Cork. It is just about far away enough to be novel. I was considering going to Tralee for a 10k but Wicklow was just as close.

2. Tower of Power

I think that I forgot how good the rice cake, banana and peanut butter tower of power is for racing. Nothing sits in the stomach better. I ate it last week too before a marathon session and it worked well with the Maurten gels. Avoiding calcium is crucial with the Maurten gels or you’ll develop desperate bad gut rot. Potassium is fine.

3. Rebel, Rebel

I think that if carbon plates weren’t allowed everyone would be racing in the shoe that I warmed up in. The New Balance Rebel V2. It is so nice to run in. It kind of gets you ready for running in the magic shoes as it is sort of magic but not magic.

4. Poor Guy

I think that start lines can be deceptive. I did my usual look around at the start. I’d already met Sergiu so I knew there was no hope of winning. I didn’t really know anyone else which was great. There was some poor fella with his arm in a sling who I presumed was probably trying to stay fit by running around.

5. Where’s the Lake?

I think that the first 2km of this race are great. I really enjoyed the gentle downhill start followed by the nice smooth flat road. I felt really good running a few 100m behind Sergiu in 2nd. The 2nd quickly became 3rd but I felt like I could run with the new 2nd. There was no sign of the lake.

6. Still No Lake

I think that the bit from 2k to 4k of the race was entirely uneventful. The scenery was that familiar Irish road race scene of dark grey tar and chippings with green and brown overgrown hedges either side topped with a grey sky. The only thing that happened was that 2nd got further away. There was still no sign of the lake.

7. Mount Lake?

I think that if you are going to have a 1km mountain in a 10k the most perfect position for the mountain is just before the middle between 4k and 5k. It splits the race up nicely, not evenly but nicely. The mountain was very hard, it wasn’t steep just long and climby. When you got to the top there was still no sign of the lake.

8. The Guy with his Arm in a Sling

I think that the last thing I expected to see at 8km was the guy from the start with his arm in a sling. My initial reaction was “ah jaysus”, followed by “he probably won’t be able to sprint”. Unfortunately he didn’t need to sprint as after a little rest while running with me he turned towards me high fived me with the good hand, said well done and sprinted off up the road.

9. There’s the Lake

I think that it was great to finally see the lake after 9k of the race. I was a little bit distracted by the prospect of being beaten by a guy with his arm in a sling but the lake was worth waiting for, a very beautiful lake. Then the lake was gone again and we were back to the hedges, tar and grey sky. I tried to catch the guy with his arm in a sling before the line but it was hopeless, if anything he got further away which was good in a way as I didn’t have to think about it.

10. Beatings

I think that finishing fourth to a guy who had his arm in a sling when there are only prizes for the first three is a very empty feeling. Hopefully I have taken all of my beatings for the year at this stage, between Lizzie and the guy with his arm in a sling it’s been a rough return to racing.

Galbally 10 Mile 2021

10 Things I Think About the Galbally 10 Mile 2021

1. DNA

I think that if I did a DNA test and they could test for Galbally they’d find a fair amount of Galbally in my blood. When I actually did the DNA test the report didn’t mention Galbally but it did report 0.5% Sardinian. Sardinian hertiage is much better than Galbally although both are very beautiful in the sunshine.

2. Running Disease

I think that there is a terrible disease circulating amongst local runners. It is a terrible disease with no known cure and definitely no vaccine. It is called the Marathon. It primarily affects the brain and causes athletes to do silly things like long warm-ups and makes them avoid the stuff they should be doing like cross country and track. Some of them even go so mad as to avoid all other races other than marathons.

3. Earliness

I think it is amazing how early people are for things. I was abnormally early for the race because of the marathon disease which meant that my brain thought it would be a good idea to do 8 miles before the race. The race didn’t start until 11 yet people were arriving at 9.30. I’ve never understood earliness, it is much more fun to cut it tight and to be desperately trying to pin a number onto a singlet 5 minutes before the start, it gets the adrenaline going better.

4. Abbey

I think that the start of the race was beautiful. It was actually in Tipperary as it was across the river just after the abbey and all the Limerick flags. I don’t know anything about the abbey but I presume there were monks in it ages ago when people didn’t do races.

5. Next%2

I think that the Next%2 is not as good as the original Next%. It is definitely less magic than the original Next%. The sizing was so different I had to get a UK12 instead of a UK13 in the original. It feels like they made the foam less boucy/magic and the laces are the worst laces ever made. I might have to try the AlphaFlys as I no longer feel like I am cheating. A fella passed me in them today and it reminded me of when I first saw magic shoes. It could also be that my brain has normalised the bounciness.

6. Trip to Tipp

I think that I know the road between Galbally and Tipperary too well. I never ran it or cycled it before because you’d normally be killed but it was perfectly safe in the race. I don’t know how the organizers made it so safe but they did a great job.

7. More Hills Please

I think that flat road races should be illegal, if you want to run a flat course put on a pair of spikes and head to the track. Course records need to become a thing, not every race can be a flat boring breaking 2 science experiment so that everyone can go on Facebook afterwards and tell everyone about their PB. This was a proper course for proper runners.

8. Ice Towel

I think that people are too quick to tell me to cut my hair. It is actually a wonderful thing to have a mane in a hot race where they are giving out cold water. Normally when you have short hair like everyone else the water goes down your back into your shoes which is horrible. With a thick mane the cold water is retained cooling your head and neck. It’s a wonderful feeling.

9. Weeeeee

I think that the best part of this course is the last mile. It really is wonderful. It’s very very fast and very beautiful with the Galtees on your right. I was amazed at how fast I was able to run the last mile considering how bad I felt. It must be very downhill.

10. Mugs

I think that mugs are about the only thing that is a useful memento from a race. Mugs are great as unlike T-shirts it’s hard to make a bad mug, the Galbally mug was a good mug. I’d love to do this race again once I have recovered from the marathon disease. It’s a proper race.

Kilgobnet 4 Mile 2021

10 Things I Think About The Kilgobnet 4 Mile Road Race

1. K is for Kilgobnet

I think it is good to run races in places that you’ve never been to before. I’d run races in Beaufort lots of times but I’d never made it to Kilgobnet. John Meade told me that Kilgobnet means Gobnait’s Church. Gobnait is a lovely name.

2. Pattern Day

I think that this race must have been some sort of pattern day festival race. All I remember about the Pattern was that you didn’t go through Ballylanders on Pattern Day. Kilgobnet seemed lovely and there was no traffic.

3. Variant Vaporflys

I think that my green pair of Next%s are not as bouncy as my pink pair. The difference is very noticeable, I am concerned that they are counterfeit and not actually magic shoes, I might send them back to Nike. They are newer so perhaps they just need to be broken in, it could also be that I am not fit or have run out of talent.

4. A Game

I think that it was foolish to think that I could beat John Meade in a race like this. He really brings his A-game to these small festival races in small villages miles from anywhere, they really are made for him. I knew he was taking it seriously because he wouldn’t do a long warm-up so I had to complete the warm-up on my own.

5. Hairy Start

I think it was good to see a man who had both more height and more hair than me on the start line. It turned out that he was also much faster than me.

6. Surge Capacity

I think that I had way too much hatred for the first two miles of the race. I really really wanted to be able to stay with John Meade and the other hairy tall runner. I was doing fine until about 2 miles when there was a little hill. John Meade did that horrible surging that he does on little hills, it’s incredible how annoying it is. I was so angry that I sprinted up the hill to try and stay with him, I managed to get up the little hill still in contact but I completely wrecked myself doing it.

7. The Lonely Mile

I think that the first of the two left turns on the course was pretty much the end of my race. It came just after the small hill and I was completely gassed after trying to match Meade’s desperate surge. Meade and the tall hairy man took the corner dangerously fast and disappeared off up the narrower road. I was left on my own waiting for the inevitable arrival of Kieran McKeown. I must have been running quite quickly because it took Kieran a full mile to catch me.

8. The Envelope Race

I think it was inevitable that Kieran McKeown was going to outsprint me. When we got to the final and only right turn, I got it terribly wrong. I left Kieran take the inside line, nearly broke my ankle trying to make the turn in the magic shoes and barely got any faster when I tried to sprint. It was desperately pretty pathetic and I deserved to be beaten, to make it worse there was no white envelope for fourth place.

9. Classic Courses

I think that all races should be run on courses like Kilgobnet. It was a proper course, sort of like one of the old Ballycotton 5 mile series courses, it even had grass down the middle of the road for the last mile. The GPS might have measured it 0.05 miles short of 4 miles but anyone who complains about that should be sent back to the City and forced to run perfect GPS time trials around Monaghan Road for all eternity.

10. Poor John Meade

I think my favorite part of the day was watching poor John Meade have to watch the tall hairy runner accept the lovely perpetual trophy for winning the race. It was a very sad sight as he stood to the side while the tall hairy man accepted the lovely trophy, you could almost see John thinking, that should have been me. Hopefully, I will be the tall hairy man accepting the trophy ahead of John Meade soon.

Kilbeggan 10 Mile

10 Things I Think About the Kilbeggan 10 Mile

1. Where’s That

I think that Kilbeggan is the perfect place for an All Ireland road race, it’s about 2 hours from everywhere including Cork. People came from everywhere for the race. I didn’t see anyone from Gdansk but I reckon every county in Ireland was represented.

2. Contactless Silent Race

I think that if you didn’t like people, were scared of them or are a Buddhist monk, then races at the moment are for you. They post the number out to you so you don’t have to talk to anyone to get your number. You just rock up at the start, run the race and then go home. Even if you win they seem to give you your brown envelope as you cross the line. It’s kind of great and kind of terrible.

3. Running Crows

I think that I was genuinely scared during the warm-up. I was about 0.75miles out the road when I heard the unmistakable sound of a shotgun. My brain did some calculations and concluded that the most likely scenario was that a person who dislikes disease ridden runners had decided to take drastic action and shoot them before they raced spreading their diseases. I reckoned there was at least a 40% chance of it being a lunatic with a gun so I turned around and jogged the other way. I think it was just a fella scaring crows. I now know what crows feel like.

4. Ageing Shoes

I think my Next%s are getting a bit old, they are almost 2 years old which for Next%s is very old. They still seem to work but John Walshe said they look worn out. I might have to get a pair of Next%2s. Kipchoge wears them instead of Alphaflys so they must be good.

5. Charleville +2.5% gradient

I think that the Kilbeggan course was pretty much identical to the Charleville marathon route except that someone edited the course on Strava removed 3.1 miles in the middle and added approximately 2.5% to every conceivable gradient. There were no actual big hills but I don’t think any of it was actually flat.

6. Longest 5k Ever

I think that the first 5k of this race was soulless. God it was miserable. It was uphill into the wind on the hard shoulder of a wide-open road in Westmeath. It seemed to go on forever and ever, one of those roads that could be anywhere in rural Ireland, all it needed was rain to make it properly miserable. The width of the road made it seem like we were only crawling along which we probably were given the wind.

7. Kind Kieran

I think that Kieran McKeown is a nice man. I presumed that he would do the same as he always does and sit behind me for 95% of the race before running away from me at the end. My presumption was wrong as I wasn’t fit enough for the distance to be of any help to him in this race. Because the first 5k was so depressing I was starting to give up a little. Thankfully kind Kieran encouraged me to stay with him which I did for about 8 miles.

8. Rolling Road

I think that the rest of the route was lovely. I really liked the rolling bog road from mile 3 to 9. It went by so quickly, there were lots of things to look at and the road surface changed from smooth tarmac to tar and chippings to make things interesting. The ditches were nice and close, which made it seem like we were flying along which we weren’t.

9. TT Racers

I think that the TT Racers singlet is really annoying. Just before the finish, a TT Racers singlet came flying past me. Owing to the last 18 months I have developed an intense hatred of time trials . I was so distracted by how annoyed I was at the thought of a time trial that I forgot to race the guy in the TT Racers singlet. Time trials should be banned forever. The word needs to be canceled.

10. More Races

I think that I will just keep racing every weekend. I love racing, there are lots of races everywhere except Cork although even that seems to be changing. I would still like a midweek BHAA race but you couldn’t blame anyone for not wanting to organize one at the moment given the red tape and hoop jumping that needs to be done. Hopefully, the hoops, yellow signs and the red tape will be put away soon.

Munster Masters 3000m 2021

10 Things I Think About the Munster Masters 3000m

1. I Really Shouldn’t Be Here

I think I shouldn’t have been as afraid of becoming a masters runner. It has always been a great fear of mine. I used to see people like John Meade and Donal Coffey and think, that’ll never happen to me. Then it did.

2. The Poor Relation

I think what I saw outside The Poor Relation on Saturday at 10am might have been a sign from God. There was a man with similar hair to me, sitting outside the pub with a glass of wine and a pint of Guinness. I thought to myself he probably didn’t bother with masters athletics.

3. Track Work

I think that I will have to do some more track work if I’m ever to beat Viv on the track. My prep for this race was 4x200m on Thursday and Friday. It’s a different sport to the road and cross country.

4. Magic Spikes

I think that the magic Dragonfly spikes aren’t half as magic as the magic shoes. They aren’t bouncy, all they really do is make it possible to walk without significant pain the next day. The Dragonflys are an improvement but they don’t turn donkeys like me into racehorses.

5. Templemore

I think that every small town should be like Templemore with a lovely park and a lovely track in the centre of the town. This is what I imagine the country would be like if the GAA took over Athletics Ireland.

6. Vaporfly Police, Arrest This Man

I think that the main offical did a great job of policing the Vaporflys. God it was great, I’d loved to have been doing it. The official almost took as much pleasure from it as I would, “Are those Nike Vapourflys? They’re banned, as bad as doping, and don’t get me started on doping”. The poor man with the Vaporflys had to scuttle away and change into non-magic shoes. It was wonderful, possibly the best thing that has ever happened at a race.

7. 1600m

I think that a 3000m race is one of the most disgusting races you can run. It is pure pain, pretty much an all out sprint. I was pretty ok for the first four laps sitting behind Viv who was sitting behind Dermot Kearns who I had advised Viv was a potential adversary. Once we went through the mile my throat started to hurt.

8. 1 Km

I think that the second kilometer of the 3000m doesn’t actually start until after a mile. It is the hardest part of the race. I knew this, I don’t know why I lost contact with Viv and Dermot but I did. It kind of just happened gradually. To make it worse a fella from Thurles danced around me and easily bridged the gap up to Viv, he was wearing Air Zoom Victories so perhaps I need to get a pair of them, perhaps they’re the true magic spikes.

9. 400m

I think that the last 400m is actually the easiest part of the race. You know that the pain is going to be over soon so you might as well suffer a bit more. I tried to motivate myself by thinking of how embarrassing it was to be badly beaten by two M50s and an M40 but it didn’t work. I ended up in fourth about 15 seconds behind Viv but crucially and vitally the first moderately old man with excellent hair in the M35 category.

10. The Future

I think that masters running is great, I really enjoyed it. It’s sort of like starting running all over again. M35 is a totally ridiculous category, fellas have won Olympic medals over 35, but after a full year without races, anything that means at least three more cross country races every year is a great thing.

I used “Track Mode” on the Garmin Forerunner 945 for the race. It works sort of like the watch works in the swimming pool, it autolaps every 400m and overrides the GPS so you get an accurate distance and pace.

Grange Fermoy 4 Mile 2021

1. Two Hundred

I think I am afraid that in 10 years time we will still be limited to 200 people in a race. Too risky will be the reason, no one will question why because they’re fed up with being shouted at and to be honest 200 is just fine.

2. Pre Race Prep

I think I forgot how to get ready for a morning race. I will have to go back to the tower of power. Coffee and half stale toasted bread with raspberry jam while watching the Olympics doesn’t go down well. Thankfully there was the most spotless portaloo I’ve ever seen at the start.

3. New Course

I think the last minute change in course made no difference. It was still four miles on the backroads around Fermoy. A little undulating but nothing worthy of comment if you were on a bike. It was a good honest course perfectly marshaled and perfectly organized.

4. The Battle of the Bouncing Hair

I think that my main concern before this race was being beaten by the only person who has bouncier hair than I do. I feared it greatly, so much that I contemplated avoiding racing until I get a bit fitter, but that would have been cowardly and I’m not a coward.

5. Hope

I think that asking the people who hope to run under 20 minutes to come to the front of the start was a bad idea. Most people on the line hoped to run under 20, hope is a great thing.

6. Comfortable

I think that it was a good idea to go off a bit cautiously. I didn’t really have any choice because the race tore off at a ludicrous pace which was obviously mad. It was like when you see someone driving too fast and slow down because you become aware of the danger. It was a dangerous pace.

7. Concrete

I think that people need to study physics, it is very obvious that magic shoes work better on concrete. The harder the surface the higher the bounce, especially on a warm day when the tarmac is soft and melting. I had to tell the group I was running with that the concrete was faster and sure enough we started to catch the tarmac group ahead.

8. Clipped

I think that I shouldn’t have let my worst fears get the better of me. The first time I became aware of the presence of Lizzie was at about three and a half miles when she clipped my legs. I’m presuming this was deliberate to get into my head. It definitely affected me. Shocking stuff really.

9. Chick’d

I think that I need to work on my psychological resilience. I should not have let Lizzie and her guide Kieran McKeown bounce and waltz away from me. I should have dug in and used my anger to force my magic shoes into the ground harder but I didn’t. Instead I gave up and thought about how Micheal Herlihy would be laughing at me.

10. Revenge

I think that I will have to get revenge for this. The taunting when we crossed the line was unnecessary, I would never and never have taunted anyone after beating them badly. There is only one solution, more, more running, more training and more time. Form is temporary, I hope.

North Cork A.C 5K 2021

10 Things I Think About The North Cork A.C 5K

1. One Year to Become Perfect

I think if you’d told me I’d have a full year between races I’d have told you I’d train perfectly and be in the best shape ever. Unfortunately, two broken metatarsals and a broken fibula meant that the full year of training became seven months of training and five months of injury. A missed opportunity.

2. Fatopotamus

I think the key to returning from injury is to avoid becoming a Fatopotamus while injured. I think I did well on this front.

3. Tyre Strategy

I think that it was a difficult choice which shoes to wear for the 5k in Doneraile Park. Three out the five kilometers were on a rough enough trail, bumpy and lumpy. While the magic shoes are essential for making you faster than you actually are they are dangerous on rough ground due to their 40mm stack height. An additional 40mm in height makes toppling over a real risk. I thought a lot about wearing regular flats to reduce the risk but I was terrified of getting a desperate beating so I was willing to risk a broken ankle. Everyone else except Michael McMahon wore magic shoes, even John Meade.

4. Da Vax Scene

I think that it is amazing that I am still able to run after the inoculation for the disease that shall not be named. It’s a very excellent inoculation. My extreme hairiness has absolutely nothing to do with the da vax scene, I promise. That’s the Alpecin shampoo.

5. No Frills

I think that the North Cork A.C 5k approach is the way to go with races. It was very efficient, sort of like da mass vax scene centres, in and out in about 16 minutes. I don’t need anymore t-shirts, I don’t need anymore medals, I just want a race, a marked measured course and a clock. That’s it. Pretty simple.

6. First Corner

I think that it was very important that I got to the right first corner by the big tree first. Both for my confidence, my safety and my ego. I can’t corner at all in magic shoes as they make me about 190cm tall. I tore off at the start so I was able to take the corner nice and slowly. The corner slowed me down a lot, seven people overtook me and that was pretty much the end of the race. It stayed that way until the end.

7. Training is not Necessary

I think that after a mile I thought that training wasn’t necessary at all. I was happy out running a 5-minute mile just off the front of the race. Not too bad after pretty much three months of zero running.

8. Training is very Necessary

I think that after two miles it became abundantly clear that training is very necessary. The last mile was very terrible. It was nearly 50 seconds longer than the first mile, which is pretty bad. No one passed me which was good and justified my tactics, but it was very depressing to see the two Michael’s disappear into the distance when I briefly thought that beating them was possible.

9. Time Trials

I think that it’s a great pity that my amazing time trials at the start of the year are as worthless as a ticket for the Tokyo Olympics. Like everyone else my time trials were unbelievable. I got nowhere near my time trial times today.

10. Anger is Fuel

I think that I missed races a lot. The last year was a desperate year to be a runner, the disease that shall not be named meant that people thought it was acceptable to flap and shout at runners in the street every single day, it was like a national obsession, there were even radio programs asking “Should you be worried about sweaty mouth breathing joggers?”. It was desperate and it made me very angry. Instead of reacting, I have carefully stored this anger as fuel for racing. I have lots and lots of fuel, at least a year’s worth of pure undistilled racing anger. I hope I get to use it all up. It would be a shame not to.

Grange Fermoy 4 Mile 2020

10 Things I Think About The Fantastic Grange Fermoy 4 Mile

1. An Rud is Annamh is Iontach

I think that less races is better. No races is definitely terrible but perhaps we had too many races before. This was a proper race, a real race, no nonsense, no money, no prizes and no shiny medals. It was less than 200 people trying to find out who’s the best at running 4 miles. Because there were no other races on, everyone was there, everyone.

2. Doublethink

I think it shows you how messed up this country is that the pubs were open before there was a road race in Cork. It doesn’t take a masters in public health to figure out that pubs are very dangerous dens of disease and small local road races are not.

3. Prohibition

I think that we should ban running every few years to increase participation levels. There was clearly a lot of training going on over the last few months judging by the standard of this race. That or a lot of online shopping on Nike .com

4. Billy and the Stress Fracture

I think that I had two excellent excuses for my performance today. I spent four weeks doing nothing because of a second metatarsal stress fracture in May. Then just as I’d gotten over the stressie, Billy arrived. I think I’d take Billy over a stress fracture any day. Billy permits ample running, stressies do not.

5. Magic Shoes

I think that the magic shoes make it so much easier to comeback after a stress fracture. Normally it would take 12 weeks to be able to tolerate sessions and races after a stressie but with the nice soft springy Vaporflys you could probably race even when you had the stress fracture. They really are magic.

6. Hairy Beasts

I think that it is a shame that only myself, Barry and Conor have maintained the lockdown look. Initially, I went down the top knot/mini man bun route but recently I have discovered hairbands which are far better. I think I’ll keep the hair, the beard might go.

7. Social Distancing

I think that Grange Fermoy did an excellent job on the race. It was far more socially distanced than any GAA match you’d watch through a fence. The hall which is the primary source of most pre and post race infections and diseases was exchanged for a beautiful white outdoor Gazebo. It was like a race in Spain, just with a bit of wind and a few threatening sprinkles of rain. Everyone lined up on excellently socially distanced blue Xs. We were called to the line a few seconds before the start and away we went like normal minus the pointless touching and jostling like penguins behind the line. Perfect. Almost better than before.

8. The Old Normal

I think that no matter what happens I will always end up racing John Meade and Viv. I was pretty sure I was done with them last year but the stress fracture has made me quite bad. John Meade still hasn’t given Nike a shiny penny, in-fact he hasn’t given any shoe companies any pennies. He’d probably be disadvantaged even if there weren’t Vaporflys. In fairness to Viv at least he beat me badly, John Meade just sat on me until the last 100m and then sprinted away like a man who was delighted with himself. To make it worse he brought Kieran McKeown with him.

9. Can We Do This Again?

I think we need more club only races. I love a big huge race as much as anyone but there is something special about these races where everyone is capable of running under 22 minutes for 4 miles. It was like the All Ireland Cross Country on the road. Standards are good.

10. Living is Better than Existing

I think that it is great to be back racing. I know runners are awful selfish sweaty creatures who look like the perfect vehicles to spread disease but really we are no worse than GAA players. Life is definitely better when there are races, races are definitely better when Grange Fermoy organize them. I hope there are more.

Duhallow 10 2020

10 Things I Think About The Duhallow 10

1. The Future

I think that races like the Duhallow 10 are the future of running. There is no point in entering any big city marathons as they will all be canceled forever according to Twitter. We will all have to stay at home and race each other for fear of encountering a diseased person. It’ll be like the 80s again, be great.

2. Jeyes Fluid

I think they should have clarified whether the disinfectant wipes outside the registration were because of the Coronavirus or because the registration was in a Nightclub in Newmarket.

3. Sold Out, Sort Of

I think that the concept of a race that is sold out but has entries on the day is unusual. I doesn’t really make sense but sure nothing really makes sense at the moment. I entered the sold-out race on the day, it was very straight forward. I was kind of hoping that everyone else would have been scared off by the sold-out sign but that hope was quickly extinguished by the sight of Hiko bounding up the road towards the start.

4. Gerry Adams

I think that our new Sinn Fein overlords will be very happy with my excellent furry beard. The beard is a legacy of the weird unusual viral fever that I had in Madrid at New Years which definitely wasn’t the Coronavirus. I was too sick to shave and by the time I had recovered a full beard had grown, possibly a side effect. I liked it so I kept it. It might come in handy if there’s another General Election and Sinn Fein need a few more yellow dog candidates. I’m not sure if it improves my running.

5. Vaporfly Bump

I think that the new way to shake hands at a race start line is to bump Vaporflys. I don’t think the virus lives on shoes so we should all be fine even if the shoes were made in countries that are even more riddled with the virus than Cork. No one was shaking hands anyway so we are all grand.

6. Looks Like Rain Ted

I think that it was immediately obvious that we were going to get horribly cold and wet during the race. All you had to do was look at the big black sky that we were running into. It was like one of those apocalyptic tornado films, only we were running into the Tornado.

7. Hailstones are Temporary, Quitting is Forever

I think that the conditions between mile 3 and 4 of this race were the worst I have ever run in. There was no one there to photograph it because it was ungoableoutable in but trust me it was exceptionally bad. The wind was ridiculous, hurling tiny pointy cold hailstones into your face. It was almost stop and go home weather but with an out and back course, there’s no point in quitting.

8. The Chickens and Kieran

I think that the four little chickens that took shelter behind my giant furry frame all the way from mile 2 to mile 5 were very lucky. Kieran McKeown was so well sheltered that he didn’t even realize that there were hailstones.

9. 5 Mile Race

I think that this was actually a 5 mile road race. With the wind, hail and pestilence it was very hard not to end up running in a group for the first 5 miles. When we turned at the cone and ran back to Newmarket the fun started. It’s definitely the first race that I’ve run miles beginning with a 4, a 5 and a 6.

10. Operation Punish McKeown

I think that the last 5 miles were great fun. I was feeling a lot of hate towards the chickens that I had towed up the hill through the squall so I was determined to drop the lot of them on the way home. The magic shoes are great because they allow me to actually do this and not just try to and fail miserably like used to happen. To be honest I was happy as long as I dropped Kieran badly which I did. In the end only one of them beat me. I hope Twitter forgets about the virus soon, I prefer Spain.

Dungarvan 10 2020

10 Things I Think About the Dungarvan 10

1. Non Runner

I think that it was very foolish to bet Michael Morgan that I’d beat him in Trim this weekend. The bet was a pair of the shoes on which World Athletics placed a moratorium on on Friday. I went so far as to book and cancel a hotel in Trim, yes there are hotels in Trim. Then I thought about it and realised that I’d much rather go to Dungarvan and beat John Meade again.

2. Breakfast

I think that my preparation for this race was almost perfect. I slept excellently until 10am, then I got up and had an excellent breakfast of ciabatta toast, raspberry jam and four nespressos. I’d have preferred a croissant but Glanmire isn’t great for the croissants.

3. Run with Science

I think that the longer I spend running the less it makes any sense to me what works and what doesn’t. The one thing that I have concluded is that there is absolutely no correlation between easy pace runs and race pace, none, I’m about as slow as I’ve ever been on easy day. It might even be a negative correlation, it makes no sense anyway. Runners World was right all along, run slower get faster.

4. It’s Not Barcelona

I think I had to trick myself about where this race was on today. I really don’t like running 10 mile races in Ireland in February. The last time I ran in this race there were hailstones, ice and silly ridiculous wind. I swore I’d never do it again ever. It’s nothing against Dungarvan, in fact Dungarvan is like a town I’d design, it’s just I really don’t like the weather in Dungarvan in February.

5. Yes it’s a real beard

I think that my beard has significantly improved my running. It’s an accidental beard. I forgot to shave when I was in Spain at Christmas and I thought it looked excellent when I got back. I think the beard is making me more aerodynamic, the hairs are like the dimples on a golf ball, they create turbulence which reduces the drag around my big head.

6. Professor of Cunning at Oxford University

I think that I have become much less bad at racing. After the first two miles of the race, that horrible Dungarvan Mistral became a factor. I was in a little East Cork group with the two Kevin’s and Noel Murphy from Waterford. In the past I’d have happily burnt myself out running into the headwind like a hero, but I’m a lot cannier now, after a few 100m of pointlessly running into the Mistral I shouted “This isn’t an effin train”. All I heard back was “I’m already blown”. Then I got some help. Many legs make make light wind.

7. Applied Maths

I think that this race would make an excellent Applied Maths question. 3000 runners, 50% of whom are wearing trampolines which increase their stride length by 0.07m/stride are running a 10 mile road race. The runners are running into an 11m/s headwind. Please calculate whether the runners will be happy with their times or not. The answer is no, runners are never happy, ever.

8. The Bad Place

I think that the one thing that I don’t like about 10 mile races is that you never really get to the bad place like you do in a 5k or a 10k. If you ever get to the bad place in a 10 mile race it’s all over. You need to be able to see the bad place but never feel it. Look but don’t touch.

9. Joe

I think that it was very surprising to see Joe just after mile 9. I was delighted because one of the marshalls told me that I was 10th as I passed her. I was thinking of all the great things that finishing 10th would bring like money. Then Joe bustled past. I hadn’t seen Joe all race and had no idea what shape he was in because he has gone dark on Garmin Connect. I still felt reasonable which was very unusual so I sprinted after him down the hill. This was a very very bad idea, just as I made my big sprint my right hamstring cramped and I had to let Joe and the money go.

10. Derek Redmond

I think that I was lucky to finish the race. When my hamstring cramped there was about 400m to go. I knew that I could still keep going as it was just a big cramp so I just slowed down and minded myself to the line. Only Paul Moloney went by me so I can’t have been that bad. I did consider doing a Derek Redmond and stopping and walking, especially as it happened in front of John Treacy, he might have helped me across the line, either that or he would have given out to me about my shoes.