Carrigtwohill 5k 2017

10 Things I Think About the Carrigtwohill 5k

1. Gaunt

I think I got too fat on holidays. This is not good for running. It was only four days but a lot of damage can be done in four days, especially as my mother was trying to degauntify me, "You're gone terrible gaunt". I was very worried before the race as the scales was telling me that I would be very slow. I didn't see a weight on the scales just "slow". I prefer to be terrible gaunt.

2. Coffee and Water

I think I will have to exist on coffee and water to get rid of the additional ballast that I have added to my naturally huge frame. If only I was a formula 1 car where you could move the ballast around to improve the performance of the car. My ballast definitely doesn't help, well maybe on the downhill sections. I'm sure the Internet will have some other mad diet that I can use. The internet is always a good source for such things. What could possibly go wrong? I can always write a book about how to get gaunt quickly. Gaunt in 15 or something similar. People would buy that I'm sure.

3. Castle

I think Barryscourt Castle is the prettiest building in Carrigtwohill. This isn't very hard. The second prettiest is probably Frank's Takeaway. San Sebastián it ain't.

4. Warm Up

I think Donal Coffey learned from Millstreet. He completely out psyched me on the warm up. I think he spotted that I wasn't as gaunt. Ah well form is temporary, class is permanent.

5. Magic Mile

I think the first mile of a 5k is the most important. You have to go out as fast as possible, none of this scientific even paced nonsense. I tried to get to the first mile marker ahead of Donal, I failed miserably. The East Cork Mafia of James McCarthy and Kevin O Leary were well up the road. There's something in the water in East Cork. They're very good at running down that direction.

6. Miserable Mile

I think the second mile of a 5k is the most important. If you don't feel absolutely miserable then you aren't going fast enough. You should have your hand in the fire not just over it. I felt particularly awful which was good. I still didn't feel awful enough. I kind of lost concentration for a few seconds which allowed Kevin and Donal get a gap. I hung on to Nigel Sheehan instead. I don't think he appreciated this.

7. Sharapova

I think I nearly drove Nigel and Bryan Crowley mad with my Maria Sharapova like grunting. I don't know why my breathing was so loud. I took my doping before the race. Perhaps I should have taken more. I might have to get one of those nose turbine things that Chris Froome uses, they seem to work and they look class.

8. Course

I think the little hills on that course are evil. There is one particularly malevolent hill that you have to do twice. It's not particularly long but it stings. It stings worse the second time, especially when there are lapped runners distracting you from how much you should be suffering.

9. Revenge

I think I took my defeat to Donal Coffey very well. I have good excuses so I'm not too worried. I shall get my revenge in Churchtown South. I will be gaunt again by then.

10. Old Man Ian

I think it's unfair that Ian O'Leary gets a prize for being very old while I get no prize even though I beat him very well. This is very unfair. I suppose it is compensation for being very old. I can't wait to get old so that I can collect lots of money at road races. I just wish that I could run Ian's 10k and 10 mile times before I get old.

Grant Thornton 5k 2017

10 Things I Think About The Grant Thornton 5k


1. Lance Armstrong

I think I Alfie was right to accuse me of doping immediately after the race. Last Wednesday I ran a 5k in 25 minutes, tonight I ran just under 17 minutes. If I was a cyclist in the Tour de France they'd all be asking "What is he on?" What am I on? I'm on two puffs of ventolin before every race, it does the trick, that and few iron tablets, some vitamin D and a probiotic.

2. Big Shots

I don't think I've ever been referred to as a "big shot" before. Feidhlim Kelly announced my arrival to the start line like I was Mo Farah turning up to his local 5k. I suppose I did look fantastic. I waved as you do. Referring to me as a big shot is like calling the captain of the local Junior B football team a big shot, it was a confidence boost all the same. I suppose I am kind of a big shot.

3. Ingebrigtsen

I think that rule number one of all sports is that the most important thing is to look fantastic at all times. I think I accomplished this tonight.

4. Hawkers

I think that the reason I looked fantastic was because I purchased a pair of excellent white sunglasses in Malaga for €25. They're particularly fantastic. The white and blue is excellent. They suit the shape of my face very well.

5. Start

I don't think I've ever performed a Mexican wave one minute before the start. It did get the adrenaline going I suppose. I thought that as I was the local big shot I'd walk away with it. This thought didn't last long as two East Cork bigger shots took off up the road. Ah well, the junior B captain probably experiences the same thing when he tries to play intermediate football.

6. Drafting

I think the winner may have been helped by the motorbike that pretty much towed him around the course. Think Nibali in the Vuelta last year. Motordoping isn't just confined to cycling you know.

7. Style over Function

I think wearing sunglasses on a dreary night in Cork is not the best idea. Thankfully they filled in all the potholes down the Marina as I couldn't see much. I refused to remove the shades. Looking fantastic is much more important than a broken ankle.

8. Finish

I think that a 5k is so much better than a marathon. It's over so quickly. I barely even noticed it. I must do more. They're excellent.

9. Campione

I think that winning the team prize for the Gilead Gringos is great. We won by 15 seconds. Four people on the team, the team aspect of the event is brilliant. It's all about the fourth man. We got a lovely bowl. I wore my Berlin hat and Iceland jersey when I was collecting the bowl. I looked excellent again.

10. Debadification

I think that I have completed the debadification process quite well. One week is loads after a marathon. I'm fine.