Palma Beach 10k 2017

10 Things I Think About The II Palma Beach Running Course 10k

1. Jerry Kieran is Right

I think lunch in a Michelin starred restaurant the day before a race is very bad preparation for a race, lunch in a Michelin starred restaurant followed by a three course dinner in a Belgian restaurant that specialises in Belgian beer is exceptionally bad preparation. I woke up this morning feeling like one of the GAA players that Jerry Kieran was ranting about yesterday, big, heavy and not very mobile.

2. Orval

I think Orval is my favourite beer. It's absolutely perfect, I should have just had another one instead of asking the crazy Belgian guy what he'd recommend. "Ah zee Westmalle Triple, excellent beer".

3. Scorchio

I actually needed sunglasses today. I don't think you could have run the race without them. I wore my orange ones because I like them. The sun is brilliant, it makes your head happy and your skin brown. I like the sun a lot.

4. German Santa Ponsa

I know I like Germany and Spain but the two combined together is an apocalyptic vision. The race was on in a German version of Santa Ponsa just down the coast from Palma. It was horrendous, like Youghal on a sunny day with lots of retired Germans. All the signs were in German and the people were waiting at the traffic lights even though nothing was coming.

5. Queue

I think I knew that the race was not being run by Germans when I saw the queue for registration. It was very Spanish and very long.

6. The Parade Ring

I think it's great fun to wander around the start trying to figure out who's any good. It's not as simple as pick out the skinny ones. It's like picking horses in the parade ring, you've to check for conditioning. I asked one of the locals who le meilleur was, he understood my French, but he didn't know who el mejor was. He said the race would be won in 3:15kms, he was right, he didn't seem to think I was any good, he was right.

7. Start

Unsurprisingly due to the Spanish queue the race started 10 minutes late, no one really cared because it was sunny and you don't care about these things when it's sunny. Due to feeling like a GAA player I had no interest in taking the lead and decided to follow the leaders and sit in like people always tell me to. I couldn't even do that though so I settled for what felt fast which was about 6th place.

8. Traffic Cones

I think the Mallorcans may have contracted out the placing of the traffic cones that marked the two turning points at either end of the course to one of the many Germans in the area because it was exactly precisely 10k. Either that or it was pure luck.

9. The Sprint

I spent the whole race chasing a guy in a blue t-shirt who had clearly gone off too fast, he was coming back to me the whole race. I thought I was going to repeat my heroics from last weekend and outsprint someone again. I tried my best but there was no response. My sprinting superpower just doesn't work on the road, it needs grass or muck or both.

10. Majorly Spained

I thought I was going to get to stand on the podium today. I really like podiums, the photos look fantastic on Instagram. They had loads of trophies so I thought I'd a chance having finished 6th because there were lots of fast old men running. I asked one of the Spaniards if I had won anything. He showed me a sheet with my name in second place in the senior men category and said to wait one hour for the prizes. I waited and waited and waited while all the trophies disappeared, there was no trophy for me. I didn't really care mainly because it was sunny and hot, the sun makes everything better even a good Spaining.

Munster Novice Cross Country 2017

10 Things I Think About The Munster Novice Cross Country

1. Clarecastle

I think Clarecastle is a beautiful place, it’s like the Glanmire of Ennis. They have a big Centra and a river that looks like it floods a lot. There’s a pub called The Castle too. It’s very pretty. I’d still rather live in Glanmire though.

2. Yucky Mucky

I think I was the only one there today that was actually looking forward to the muck. It probably needed more rain to be honest. The muck was absolutely fantastic, utter misery, never the same pace, slow fast, slow fast, surging and searching for lines. It’s a different type of running. It’s like Formula 1 in the wet, a good driver in a rubbish car can suddenly be the fastest.

3. Badly Behaved Boy

I think that the more I try and not care about these races the better I run. Voodoo Rooms on a Friday night has to stop. I don’t even like it, it can’t be good for running. At least I went to Badly Drawn Boy beforehand to get some culture.

4. Performance Enhancing Spikes

I think I need to get a new pair of spikes. They really don’t last more than a year. It was a big mistake to stuff them with J-cloths last year and then leave them in the boot of the car for 12 months fermenting in a bag. I reckon the green mould that grew on the J-cloths is some sort of performance enhancing drug. I might try and isolate it in the lab.

5. Fang Club

I think it was a good idea to stay out of the mosh pit in Cypress Avenue the night before the race. It looked like great fun, a lot like the start of the race today, lots of pushing, pulling and dragging for no particular reason. Nothing like a bit of grunge to get you amped up before race. It’s good stuff.

6. War Paint

I think it was a bad idea to try and daub some local muck on my face before the race. I couldn’t wear my sunglasses so I decided on a bit of war paint just to try and intimidate the others at the start. I now understand why a mirror is very important when applying make-up as I just looked like baby who’d enjoyed a chocolate ice-cream on Ash Wednesday. I think I’ll stick to the sunglasses or actually use war paint.

7. West Cork Mafia

I think I was really worried after 200m of the race. Normally I’d be well clear but today I was back in about 15th after picking a bad line into the first corner. I quickly figured out where the dry line was in by the ditch and caught up to the early leader Denis Coughla. I knew Denis wouldn’t last more than 1500m, I was right.

8. Super Domestique

I think it was a pleasure to work in the service of Mark Wals today. I felt like a member of Team Sky working for Bradley Wiggins in the Tour De France, burying myself for my leader on the front and then pulling over on the final climb with 400m to go. I even shouted “Go Mark Go”. All I was short was a team radio with Donie shouting into my ear, “Dats grand now”. Some day I might be good enough to get my own domestique. I could be the next Chris Froome.

9. Height Matters

I don’t think I’ve ever been beaten by someone who was way taller than me. I’ve been beaten by fatter, smaller, shorter and wider but never way taller. That guy from Ennis Track must be 6’6. Logic would suggest that the muck would favour the short skinny stumpy runner but it seemed to be the big lumps like me that prospered today. I’ve no idea why. It makes no sense. Perhaps it’s because it was on in Clare, things are different up there.

10. Rocket Fuel

I don’t think I’ve ever beaten anyone in a sprint finish before. I’m normally utterly hopeless. I thought all my work today on the front was in vain as I’d dropped to fourth coming into the last 200m. The Ennis giant was uncatchable in second but I sensed that Conor O’Mahony from An Riocht was vulnerable in third. I waited until we were just entering the home straight to launch my vicious kick. I don’t know where the huge kick came from but I bounded past like a rather large gazelle. The Satzenbrau from Friday night must be rocket fuel, I’ve no other explanation.

Cork County Senior Cross Country 2017

10 Things I Think About The County Senior Cross Country

1. Misery

I think I still love cross country. I really love the misery. God it's great, absolute pure pain and suffering. No cash prizes, just medals, pride and beating people. It's perfect. I was trying to explain it to Mitch on the drive up. I think he understands now. Hopefully they won't cancel it like Ballycotton. That would be awful. I don't think I'd have any reason to live in the country if both were gone. I'd probably move to Spain or Germany if they did.

2. Marathon

I think I would have beaten Mark Hanrahan if I hadn't run the Berlin Marathon two weeks ago. You're supposed to take many weeks off after a marathon. If people are right (and they normally are) then it's absolutely amazing that I was able to walk let alone run today. I have however mastered the debadification process after three marathons. Drink and eat recklessly for three days in Berlin, run 5 miles on the Thursday, 5 on the Friday, 10 on Saturday and then back to normal. Drinking definitely helps, the alcohol kills all the damaged muscle fibres.

3. Leave Before the Lights Come On

I think it's a good idea to leave Voodoo Rooms at 1am on the Friday before the county senior cross country. Any later and you might do something silly like lose your phone and want to cancel all your bank cards.

4. Polytunnels

I think that it's important to do something on the Saturday before a big race to take your mind off the imminent pain and misery. A tour of the polytunnels in the gardens of UCC with John Meade, Conor and John took my mind right off the cross country. I have a new appreciation for polytunnels after it.

5. Palmetto

I don't think I've ever run badly the day after a pizza at Palmetto. It must be the healthy sourdough base. It doesn't matter if you have beer or cider with it, it's excellent fuel for running. I had San Pellegrino this time and it still worked. I still prefer Novocento though.

6. The List

I think it's important to have a list of names of people that you'd like to beat in a race. I had a nice list, some were in red, underlined. It's not a list of hate, it's a list of respect. If you want to beat someone it means that you respect them. I hope that I'm on other people's lists if they're mad enough to have a list.

7. Tool

I think I looked like a tool running around a farmers field in Conna with a pair of orange sunglasses on. Well Mark Walsh said I did. They didn't even match my singlet. I'm pretty sure the conservative cross country crowd didn't approve. There's probably some county board by-law against sunglasses in races. There seems to be one against everything else. I did have a reason for wearing them though as on the warm up with Michael Herlihy I noticed that the orange tinting definitely helped distinguish the cow shit from the green grass on the course. Marginal gains and all that.

8. Start

I think my starting procedure for cross country is perfect. Everyone else seems to think it's mad. Someone even shouted at me to calm down this time. They're definitely right for road races but in a cross country race you need to be up the front. The places don't change much after a lap. Plus I was the only one to see that Mark Hanrahan very nearly fell and broke his ankle at the first corner. I think he was worried about me, not that I'd beat him, just worried.

9. John Meade

I was very happy to finally beat John Meade. It was more of an annihilation than a bad beating. It has been approximately 2786 days since I last beat John Meade, it was cross country then too. He tried to pass me after 3 laps but I was having none of it and immediately crushed his rebellion like a Spanish policeman in Barcelona. I think I should retire now. Although I'd like to beat him again. I really like beating John Meade because he's really really good.

10. East Bloody Cork

I think I don't like East Cork. They're very good at cross country races. We had about a million runners, they had about five and they still won. It's not fair. I don't know how they do it. It's like North Korea beating the USA in a war. That should never happen.

Berlin Marathon 2017

10 Things I Think About The Berlin Marathon 2017

1. The Snip

I think I'm going to avoid Vivian Foley for a while. I'm very scared. He beat me badly today in the marathon (seven seconds). I had been promising all week that I would beat him badly again like I did in Churchtown South. The forfeit proposed at dinner last night was that I would get the snip if I lost. I really don't want to get the snip, it sounds very painful and it might impact my running.

2. Chariots of Fire

I didn't think that I would ever end up actually racing someone in a marathon but I did. I really wanted to beat Vivian today, primarily because I was afraid of the snip but also because of pride. We had a great race long battle although he did sit on me for the sum total of 41.8 kilometres before unleashing a vicious kick. The finish was like the end of a stage of the Tour de France, the two of us striding down towards the Brandenburg Gate side by side. In fairness we did agree that we would stay together until then for a dramatic sprint, we even fist bumped. Sprinting at the end of a marathon is a very bad idea, things can easily tear. I wisely decided to save myself for the XC. I can always beat him then. I hope I don't regret not sprinting.

3. Familiar Faces

I think it's reassuring to see so many people you know while running a marathon. It gives you a great gauge of how bad or good you're running. I was delighted to see Derek Griffin at 20k, I knew then that I was running ok. I was going to ask him if his glutes were firing but I didn't as I didn't want to spend the next 22k debating the rights and wrongs of sports medicine, that's what Twitter is for. I also tried to beat Derek but failed miserably. I'll add him to the list for future beating.

4. Baldricks Cunning Plan

I think it's safe now to reveal the cunning reason why I drink San Pellegrino sparking water during my long runs. It's because it makes you exceptionally good at burping. I bet no one else practiced burping before the marathon. When you're forced to drink water from a cup like you have to in Berlin, burping is an essential skill. I reckon I cut at least a minute off my time by being a brilliant burper. Although I didn't have to rely entirely on the cups of water thanks to Ian O'Leary and Ronan's daughter Aisling who had lovely bottles with sports caps out on the course. There was no repeat of the John O'Connell mouldy water incident thankfully.

5. Seagulls

I think my pre-race breakfast of three bananas, peanut butter and countless rice cakes (at least 10) was ingenious. You don't need to take gels if you can regurgitate your breakfast continuously throughout the race. Even at 40k I could still burp and taste rice cakes, bananas and peanut butter. This made me extremely confident that I wasn't running out of energy. I was right. Who needs gels when you can be a human seagull.

6. Continental Tyres

I think I know why Kipchoge ran such a bad time and couldn't break the world record. It was because of the rain last night. The roads were actually really slippy and oily, especially the busy roads. It probably doesn't matter when you're 80kg and wearing Brooks Ghosts, but I'd say being 50 something kg and wearing Nikes which don't have Continental Tyre technology like the Adidas shoes makes a huge difference. A big German conspiracy. Adidas probably made it rain last night. Next they'll have wet and dry shoes like in Formula 1. They'll double sales immediately. I should patent it.

7. Spain

I still think Spain is a great country. I followed two Spanish guys from Madrid to the start when I got the U-Bahn in the wrong direction by mistake. I was a bit worried about following Spanish people because they're normally not the most reliable but they got me right to the start without delay. In truth I really only trusted them once I saw German people wearing ponchos going in the same direction. I was wrong to doubt them. Spain is brilliant.

8. The Jagged Key

I think I have some sort of curse hanging over me regarding keys to apartments and Berlin. In the last three trips to Berlin someone has lost a key. Today it was my turn. I put the key in the pocket of my trusty Saucony short shorts before the start. I checked that there were no holes. Unfortunately it was a particularly jagged key. I think the jaggedness combined with the sweatiness and jostling over the course of a marathon resulted in it cutting itself free. I rang the owners of the apartment using a phone from a volunteer in the finishing pen after the marathon. Unfortunately the owners of the apartment don't have a spare key as some other fool lost the original key the week before and I actually had the spare. They did kindly leave me in to the apartment with the master key so that I wouldn't die but told me not to leave. As a result I'm stuck in the apartment, sitting in the bath hoping that a German locksmith will work on a Sunday. This would never happen in Spain.

9. Hypothermia

I think cold misty rain is brilliant for running a marathon but absolutely terrible immediately after the marathon. The race was like one of those rare cold calm misty murky beautiful Sunday mornings in Blackrock where running is effortless. It's not so nice when you stop and have to walk 4km back home after running 42km, I'd much rather have gotten back into my car and gone for coffee. I had the cheek to ask for a second rain poncho after the race because I was a little cold and it was raining. They literally had millions of them but no the old stern German woman policing the ponchos said "Entschuldigung, Nein". I really could have used that extra poncho. This would never happen in Spain.

10. The Science of Running

I think Ronán Boland has a fantastic marathon training group. He's like a Cork Steve Magness. Scientific training applied holistically but also great fun. Everyone of the guys he coaches ran brilliantly today including himself. Even better they're really nice guys, even if they do threaten to give you the snip. I better not drink too much beer just in case they were serious. That's if I ever get let out of the apartment.

Bored the Night Before The Berlin Marathon 2017

10 Things I Think About Being Bored The Night Before The Berlin Marathon

1. Full Back

I think I picked the wrong sport. I'm not designed to run marathons, I should have been a GAA player. The doctor who first set eyes on me as a 11 pound baby said "Galtee Gaels have a new full-back" not "the Berlin Marathon has a new winner".

2. For God's Sake Take it Handy at the Start

I think I'll listen to Donie Walsh this time. Normally he doesn't even bother telling me to take it handy at the start of a road race because he knows that it is utterly pointless. Lizzie Lee has also suggested a sensible approach. I might just listen this time.

3. Boxing

I don't think I've ever gotten to the start line of a race in such good shape. There is literally nothing wrong with me, nothing. This isn't some David Haye style boxing nonsense where I'll reveal tomorrow that I actually have three broken toes and a torn ACL, I am actually perfect. I even survived a dramatic ankle roll at the Marina on Tuesday. Perhaps the robust ankles of a full back are exactly what's needed for a marathon.

4. Plague

I'm very happy to have avoided catching any diseases before the marathon. I had the misfortune of sitting beside a very diseased person on the plane but I seem to have avoided contracting whatever plague was going. I was going to ask him to move but I don't think that would have worked.

5. Beige Food

I think the best approach to the day before a marathon in a foreign city is to adopt a beige food policy. If it's beige you can eat it. Bread, croissants, rice cakes, bananas, pizzas and tiramisu are all ok.

6. Veins

I think I regret all those croissants in Font Romeu. I wish I looked like a heroin addict. It's horrible walking around the EXPO and seeing all these people who have veins like the U-Bahn map of Berlin. I wish I had veins.

7. Sleep

I think beer is great for sleep but I'm too afraid to drink one the night before the marathon. I had two on Friday after arriving and slept like a baby. I don't think I'll sleep as well tonight. I'll take some paracetamol instead.

8. The Da Vinci Code

I think there are two restaurants in Berlin called Da Vinci.

9. Rowdy Barber

I think deflation has struck in Berlin. My haircut only cost €44 this time. I think I like it. It's sort of German, it certainly wasn't worth €44.

10. 16071

I think my number has a nice symmetry to it, 1+6=7, 7-1=6. I hope it all adds up to a good time, whatever that is.

Charleville Half Marathon 2017

10 Things I Think About Pacing The Charleville Half Marathon

1. Something borrowed, something red, something mouldy.

I think the reason JEP (Jonathan Escalante-Phillips) ran so fast is because he was wearing my exclusive Gilead Nike singlet, a "clean" pair of Michael Herlihy's shorts and my used blister proof socks. At least he remembered his racing shoes. I'm probably going to have to retire the singlet because it ain't ever running a sub 70 half on my shoulders.

2. Ownabwee Honey

I now know that the secret to a 68 minute half marathon is half a bottle of SuperValu's cheapest honey in the 12 hours before a race. That and a few nespressos. Rice cakes seem to be beneficial too. The dietary habits of a 68 minute half marathoner are interesting.

3. Food Doping

I think the day before a half marathon should include mainly/entirely Italian food. Myself, John Meade, JEP and Paul Gallagher had a stereoptypical lazy italian lunch at Italee featuring paninis, Italian hot chocolate and blackberry crostata. Myself and JEP shared a 16' Novocento pizza for dinner. Novocento must add clenbuterol to the parma ham, I think it's one of the extras.

4. Iarlath O'Lionaird and Steve Cooney

I don't think JEP will be rushing back to Cork for another sean-nós gig. Although I think sean-nós might help with sleep. John Meade understood every word. I'm sure we will be hearing about what the songs meant for weeks. I think I saw him taking notes.

5. Greyhound

I still think Swedish House Mafia is the best pre-race music. It really does make you want to stab someone. It's 6 minutes of brilliance. JEP is converted although he didn't have much choice.

6. Lady in Red

I think my Sevilla FC ensemble was the perfect pacing costume. Who needs a balloon when you've a bright red  hat, immaculate white sunglasses and a lovely red jersey on. Although the guys in the pace group said they'd have preferred a lady in red.

7. Perfect Pacing

I did feel a bit bad running an even pace for an entire race. It's against my religion. It's no fun, terribly boring, just run along at your prescribed pace, no element of surprise, no misery, no blowing up and so clinical. I'd much rather go hard and drive it on, it's much more fun. It was good practice for Berlin next week. I just need to be clinical for one more race and then I can go back to my usual madness. 

8. Cold

I think I'll have to consider leaving the country from September to March. It was really cold this morning, it was awful. I could feel my tan fading with every second. It's terrible. I don't think it'll last 6 months. I might have to consider sunbeds.

9. Taper

I think I've got the taper right this time. I've just ignored it. I feel much less fat and my legs and head are much happier. Sure no one even knew what a taper was back in the 80s and they ran fine. I think a taper is only necessary if you are running proper high mileage like say 140 miles per week, Then it might be sensible to drop back to 80. I've only been running 80-90 miles a week so there really is no point in cutting back. I'll be fine.

10. Charleville

I don't think you'll find a better organised half marathon in Europe. It really is perfect. A perfectly flat arrow straight course, no queues, no problems and no nonsense. You'd almost think Michael Herlihy was involved in organising it.

Ballycotton 5 2017

10 Things I Think About About The Ballycotton 5

1. The Wedding

I think that weddings are exceptionally bad preparation for a road race. As my sister will probably only get married once or twice I thought it was a good idea to enjoy it. I survived the wedding relatively unscathed, unfortunately there was a wedding day plus 1.

2. Gin

I think that gin is the best drink for runners. I asked the guy who won the 5k down the marina last week how he got so good. He said he stopped drinking pints and started drinking gin and tonic on nights out. This made sense so I drank nothing but gin and tonic for the wedding day plus 1. I definitely didn't put on weight.

3. Recovery

I think I recovered quite well from the wedding. I had no hangover on Monday thanks to the gin but my head felt like there was a Frenchman living in it. It was extremely unproductive and constantly thinking about holidays.

4. Tuesday Track

I don't think it was a good idea to do 6x400m on the track on Tuesday. I know it was hot but I was sweating a lot. It was great to have Robert Heffernan jump in in the middle of our session. He made all of us look like fantastic runners with his horrendous running technique. I think he's forgotten how to run. I don't think it'll take him long to remember.

5. Shades

I think it was a shame that Bryan Crowley was too vain not to wear the lovely orange shades that Claire O'Brien gave him. I think he was afraid that they didn't match his hair. He was probably right.

6. Go Hard or Go Home

I think I'll have to stop running the first mile as hard as I can in every race. It's just so tempting when the photos look so fantastic on Instagram. Unfortunately even with my madness I wasn't able to get ahead of Alan O'Shea, by god he's fast. This made my whole race pointless.

7. Mark Walsh

I think I was utterly insane to think that I could beat Mark Walsh tonight. I thought it was possible based on sessions but I was very wrong. It was a pathetic effort. I failed miserably. He does have a few advantages in that his father was an Olympian. My father worked in Dairygold.

8. That Bloody Hill

I think that Donal Coffey only beat me because of that hill at three miles. I was very far ahead of him at the base of the monstrous hill because I'm a much faster runner. Hills don't suit me so he was able to close the gap on the vicious climb. I think he's so good at hills because he's from Millstreet. Once he saw that I was suffering majorly on the climb he cruelly tried to crush me, this wasn't very nice. On this occasion he was successful. I tried as hard as I could to catch him but I couldn't as he had an accomplice in Vivian Foley who also gets great pleasure in beating me. It was all very unfair. I definitely would have beaten him if the race was flat and I didn't have that wedding.

9. The Purpose

I think that kid shouting at people at the finish has the right mindset. "At least you didn't come last". I'd love to know what he shouted at the guy who was last.

10. Door Mat

I think the prizes for the race were quite apt. Our team prize was three sets of door mats. I felt like a door mat after that race as Donal Coffey literally walked all over me. I will get revenge.

Galtee Runners 8k 2017

10 Things I Think About the Galtee Runners 8k

1. You Are What You Eat

I think that I may have accidentally discovered the optimal body composition for running. It is that of a croissant, light and puffy. No need for low body fat and lots of muscles. In fact the less muscles the better, croissants don't have muscles.

2. The Body Mechanic

I think it was a good idea to get a massage from David Kenneally three hours before the race. Chris Froome wouldn't get on his bike if the mechanic hadn't looked at it in a few weeks. That massage was badly needed after Font Romeu. I was pretty beat up from all those hills. I was as loose as an IAAF rulebook after it.

3. Transdermal Doping

I think I may have picked up some talent from Mo Farah when I touched him while taking the photo in Font Romeu. Transdermal talent delivery works. I don't know if finishing fourth had anything to do with meeting Team G.B, perhaps I caught that off them too.

4. Home Town Hero

I thought I was going to win my home town race. I was very disappointed to see Eric Curran and David Mansfield at the start. Although with my new tan I don't think anyone in Mitchelstown would have recognised me. Johnny O Sullivan said I looked like a foreigner. This pleased me. It's much better than looking like someone from Mitchelstown.

5. The Warm Up

I think I forgot how beautiful Mitchelstown is. I used to run a laps of the town every evening. I forgot how nicely the Galtees frame the town. The Kingstons picked a nice spot. It's like an inverted Font Romeu without the croissants.

6. Ayana Not Quite

I think I may have to reconsider my starting procedure. Yes it feels great to lead every race you run but you do feel like a fool when you get passed after a mile every time. I'll keep plugging away for a few more weeks. Eventually I'll make it stick.

7. Eoin Sugrue Unattached

I think it was a little unusual for the athletes to be talking to the commentator mid race. I had to tell the commentator in the back of the lead car that the "guy in the blue singlet" was Eoin Sugrue. He said "Thanks Donal". I was sorry I told him as he proceeded to repeat this fact every 30 seconds until we finally fell out of earshot of the car. I don't think Mo Farah has to put up with this.

8. Alone Together

I think I need to hurt a little more in these races. I had a great race long battle with Eoin Sugrue, we spent the whole race exchanging third and fourth. I really should have beaten him. I let him get a small gap on me on the climb up to the final roundabout. This was just laziness. I'll hurt more the next time. It hurt more not getting that prize.

9. Peasant Wagon

I think being run over by a peasant wagon at the end of a road race would have been a terrible way to die. I emptied myself trying to pass Eoin on the line like I passed John O'Connell in Chipiona. Unfortunately this resulted in me collapsing onto the ground right in front of an oncoming peasant wagon. Thankfully it stopped before rolling over my large head. I'm very lucky. I think I banged my head but I can't remember so I probably didn't. I don't think they do HIAs for runners.

10. Altitude

I think altitude is fantastic. I don't think that the altitude in Font Romeu made any difference. The only real difference I noted was that my heart rate was higher than normal, perhaps I had more oxygen. I think the best form of performance enhancement is a downhill course. It really helps make you look fast.

Font Romeu 2017

10 Things I Think About Font Romeu (and Carraig na bhFear 5k)

1. Altitude

I think converting every house in the country into an altitude house would solve the obesity epidemic. You can eat relentless amounts of pain au raisins and almond croissants with no ill effects when living at altitude. Two dinners? No problem, in fact it would be dangerous not to. I'm sure a doughnut tax in Ireland could help fund such a project. If you want to eat more just turn up the altitude in your house. We'd have way more athletes to watch in the world championships too. It can't fail.

2. Breakfast

I think I'll miss breakfast in Font Romeu the most. I went to Cafe Le Joffre every morning for two coffees and two pain au raisins. On the last day I was a little late and thought all the pain au raisins would be gone. Thankfully my new friend Chloe had kept the last two pain au raisins especially for me. France is great.

3. Injuries

I think getting through 10 days in Font Romeu with only one horrendously sprained ankle is miraculous. I have the agility of a dyspraxic polar bear which means that running on rocky trails is risking career ending injury and or death at every step. I thought my uselessness was down to my massive clown feet but Donal Coffey has the same feet and he glides down the trails effortlessly.

4. Track

I think the track in Font Romeu shows that you don't need perfect facilities for world class athletes. The track is pretty battered. It has ruts, dips and dives even in lane 1 but no one seems to mind. You're supposed to pay €3 to use the track but you can slip in through a hole in the fence at the back for free. There's a great atmosphere about the place with elite athletes everywhere. You're very unlikely to need to shout "track" at some headphone wearing fool walking in lane one, everyone just moves out into lane 2 and 3 when they're done. It works.

5. Dropkirk Murphy's

I didn't think that Shipping Up To Boston would be the soundtrack to a session at Font Romeu but Andrew Butchart seems to be a big fan. It's great to have music at the track. Perhaps we should install speakers at the Mardyke. It makes sessions way easier but does tend to make you go a bit mad on the first rep.

6. Dreams vs Reality

I think Team G.B are still talking about my first track session at Font Romeu. I got a bit carried away on my first 400m rep and ran 71. It's hard not to when all the Team G.B coaches are standing around watching you. I'm sure they were impressed by my novel 8x400m session where each 400m rep got one second slower with each rep. At least no one shouted "track" at me.

7. Maps

I don't think there was a run where we didn't spend 10 minutes looking at a map deciding which trail to run. There's a fantastic network of trails. My favourite is number 30, 8 miles of single track, forest road and a little bit of tarmac. Where else could you run a 10,9,8,7 and 6 minute mile in the same run for the same effort. It's great. The possibilities are endless.

8. Chamber of Commerce

I think the new bar on the main street is way better than the Irish bar. It's just a timber shed with a permanently drunk stereotypical French bar man making up the prices. There are different prices for the locals and the tourists. The pints are very strong. All the locals go there. It's great but it doesn't open if it's cold. The Irish bar is terrible.

9. Photos

I think I'm going to have to stop asking Team G.B athletes for photos, it's a bit childish. I think they like it though, they all seemed delighted, I suppose I'd love it too if random people knew my name and asked for a photo with me.

10. Mission Impossible

I always thought John Meade was amazing. Now he has proved it.

5.10pm flight to Cork.

6.20pm land in Cork,

6.30pm ring the brother,

6.50pm the brother arrives and chooses/is forced to accept mission.

7.00pm magic gear change

7.20pm arrive in Carrignavar.

7.25pm register.

7.30pm start race.

7.46pm win 5k.

Altitude works.

Cursa Popular D'Age 2017

10 Things I Think About The 35th Cursa Popular D'Age

1. Recce

I don't think I like doing reconnaissance missions on these road races in foreign countries. It's much better when you haven't a clue what the locals decided would be a good course over a few bottles of wine. The fact that we had to turn back at one section tells you all you need to know about the course. Michael is still convinced he could have gotten the Seat Ibiza up the rocky trail.

2. Le Chat du Font Romeu

I think it was a bad idea to do a five mile trail run the morning of the race. I went over on my ankle for the 42nd time in Font Romeu, my nine lives appear to have run out. My foot is finally sprained. It probably wasn't the best idea to run the race but I have very good drugs. Unfortunately taking them is like turning off the fire alarm when the house is clearly on fire. It's not good when you wake up the following morning.

3. Patisserie Le Joffre

I think a pain au raisin, a chasson aux pommes and three cafe grandes is the perfect breakfast at altitude. It's just a pity that my friend Chloe wasn't there to serve me this morning.

4. Bib Gourmand

I think a three course set menu for €23 at a Michelin Bib Gourmand with Conor and Donal four hours before a race is perfect preparation. Jambon, Bouef and Sorbet. What more could you need. The waiter even complimented me on my belle moustache. I think Mo Farah and Andy Butchart eat there the whole time before races.

5. Altitude

I think it was a good idea to go down from altitude to race. Age is at about 1000m compared to 1800 for Font Romeu. I don't think we would have performed as well up in Font Romeu, it's much harder to run up there. Age is also in Spain which is good.

6. Dorsal Collection

I think chip timing, a t-shirt and a fairly accurate course is a lot to get for €6. The chip timing was via a dorsal which you tied around one leg. I much prefer the chip on your shoe. The dorsal irritated my achilles.

7. British and Irish Lions

I think I really enjoyed representing my country. We had a in-race race between the Irish and British residents of Font Romeu. Instead of a singlet we got green rocky style bandanas. Only John O'Connell wouldn't tie his around his head and wore it on his arm instead. The Cork Athletics Board wouldn't have been happy about that. Country before County and County before Club.

8. Carrera

I think I thought I could beat John Meade today. I tore off at the start like a Kenyan trying to beat Mo Farah. Just like the Kenyans it was pointless. I got to the bit where the road ended on the back of Conor and John but the minute the gravel bit started they tore off. Ah well I was closer than before. Project beat John Meade might take a while.

9. Trail

I think we should have more half trail half road races in Ireland. It makes the race more interesting when you have to slow down for rocks and holes in the road. It also means that finish time is irrelevant, all that matters is where you finish.

10. Podium

I think podiums are fantastic. I didn't get to stand on the podium today but Mike did along with Jonathan and James. It looked like great fun. In the Ireland vs Team JEP battle, Ireland emerged victorious 29 points to 30. I don't think the locals appreciated an entirely foreign top 10. The local hero was well down the field.

Churchtown South 5 Mile 2017

10 Things I Think About The Churchtown South 5 Mile Road Race

1. Squalls of Fun

I think John Walshe forgot to pay the weather man. Normally the weather is perfect for the Ballycotton series. This evening we had squally schizophrenic weather. It didn't know what it was doing. Big black clouds, with howling wind followed by glorious sunshine then freezing cold. It wasn't very nice. It even rained, I haven't seen rain in a long time.

2. Tower of Power

I think I could patent my pre-race tower of power. It's made with bananas, peanut butter and rice cakes. The bananas are the pillars. The rice cakes are the floors and the peanut butter is the cement. The higher the tower the more energy you get. David Cody was very impressed that I could eat such a tall tower.

3. San Pellegrino

I think drinking San Pellegrino sparkling water every day has improved my performance. I saw Macron drinking it in the Netflix documentary. That means it must be good. French people normally don't drink Italian water. It's either that or the extra beer I've been drinking. Alcohol increases haemoglobin according to one study I read, perhaps I'm onto something.

4. Kauto Star

I think Seán Hehir running the Churchtown South 5 Mile Road Race a week before the World Championship is like Kauto Star turning up at the point to point in Kildorrery the week before Cheltenham. Just like Kauto Star he won at a canter. I could still see him after a mile so I suppose that means I'd probably be ok in the Bumper. Ah well every horse has his race.

5. Teachers

I think I'd be a better runner if I was a teacher. Before the race I had to work very hard doing particle size testing all day. I was very tired. Normally I just sit at my desk and write excellent reports. All the teachers were resting all day, they probably didn't get up before 12. This is very unfair. They shouldn't be allowed race in the summer as punishment. It's not fair. They all run fantastically in the summer, it's no coincidence. Teacher doping.

6. Wardrobe Malfunction

I think you should only ever wear sunglasses that you are willing to throw away in a race. This is why I don't wear Oakleys like everyone else. My ones cost €10, if it rains or you take a dislike to them midrace you can throw them away. Thankfully Mark Walsh was on hand to collect mine when it started raining before the start. You kind of need to be able to see when running on such a pothole riddled course. They had marked the potholes but this was like pointing out the acne on a teenager, it only made things worse.

7. Coffey vs Coakley IV

I think I really enjoy beating Donal Coffey in road races. I handed him an unmerciful beating again just like Millstreet. Revenge for last week when I was fat after holidays. I think the key is to get to the first mile marker ahead of him. He knows he's beaten then and gives up. I had to correct the commentators at the finish line though. They thought that I was Coffey. "Coakley not Coffey" I shouted. They were happy to make the correction. This made me happy.

8. Just for Men

I think Bryan Crowley has stepped up to the mark with his new haircut. I mean I veet my legs and get €55 haircuts in Berlin but Bryan's new haircut definitely cost more. Respect. Perhaps I'll have to get a similar job done. I wonder what colour I'll get. I like blonde. It might help my running. Blondes are normally faster. It would match my singlet too.

9. Rollercoaster Rainbow

I think that rollercoaster section between miles 1 and 2 is my favourite part of any road race in Cork. It suits me perfectly, a nice rolling road with the wind behind you. My big frame acts like a sail with the wind. We even had a rainbow to chase this evening. I like rainbows, they're pretty. It's a pity Gearóid Ó Laoi wasn't there to take a photo. I took a mental photo instead.

10. Lasagne

I think it was very kind of Donal Coffey to donate his prize to me as a house warming gift. I really needed that lasagne dish, set of drill bits and a fire blanket. I can't wait to use all three. I don't think he'd have donated it if it was cash.

Carrigtwohill 5k 2017

10 Things I Think About the Carrigtwohill 5k

1. Gaunt

I think I got too fat on holidays. This is not good for running. It was only four days but a lot of damage can be done in four days, especially as my mother was trying to degauntify me, "You're gone terrible gaunt". I was very worried before the race as the scales was telling me that I would be very slow. I didn't see a weight on the scales just "slow". I prefer to be terrible gaunt.

2. Coffee and Water

I think I will have to exist on coffee and water to get rid of the additional ballast that I have added to my naturally huge frame. If only I was a formula 1 car where you could move the ballast around to improve the performance of the car. My ballast definitely doesn't help, well maybe on the downhill sections. I'm sure the Internet will have some other mad diet that I can use. The internet is always a good source for such things. What could possibly go wrong? I can always write a book about how to get gaunt quickly. Gaunt in 15 or something similar. People would buy that I'm sure.

3. Castle

I think Barryscourt Castle is the prettiest building in Carrigtwohill. This isn't very hard. The second prettiest is probably Frank's Takeaway. San Sebastián it ain't.

4. Warm Up

I think Donal Coffey learned from Millstreet. He completely out psyched me on the warm up. I think he spotted that I wasn't as gaunt. Ah well form is temporary, class is permanent.

5. Magic Mile

I think the first mile of a 5k is the most important. You have to go out as fast as possible, none of this scientific even paced nonsense. I tried to get to the first mile marker ahead of Donal, I failed miserably. The East Cork Mafia of James McCarthy and Kevin O Leary were well up the road. There's something in the water in East Cork. They're very good at running down that direction.

6. Miserable Mile

I think the second mile of a 5k is the most important. If you don't feel absolutely miserable then you aren't going fast enough. You should have your hand in the fire not just over it. I felt particularly awful which was good. I still didn't feel awful enough. I kind of lost concentration for a few seconds which allowed Kevin and Donal get a gap. I hung on to Nigel Sheehan instead. I don't think he appreciated this.

7. Sharapova

I think I nearly drove Nigel and Bryan Crowley mad with my Maria Sharapova like grunting. I don't know why my breathing was so loud. I took my doping before the race. Perhaps I should have taken more. I might have to get one of those nose turbine things that Chris Froome uses, they seem to work and they look class.

8. Course

I think the little hills on that course are evil. There is one particularly malevolent hill that you have to do twice. It's not particularly long but it stings. It stings worse the second time, especially when there are lapped runners distracting you from how much you should be suffering.

9. Revenge

I think I took my defeat to Donal Coffey very well. I have good excuses so I'm not too worried. I shall get my revenge in Churchtown South. I will be gaunt again by then.

10. Old Man Ian

I think it's unfair that Ian O'Leary gets a prize for being very old while I get no prize even though I beat him very well. This is very unfair. I suppose it is compensation for being very old. I can't wait to get old so that I can collect lots of money at road races. I just wish that I could run Ian's 10k and 10 mile times before I get old.

Donostia-San Sebastian

10 Things I Think About Donostia-San Sebastián

1. Smashing Pumpkins, Smiling Politely

I think the Basques and the Irish have a lot in common. We were served by a red haired trail running waiter in Tedone on the last night. I explained that we were "Irish not English" he replied "Basque not Spanish". They understand.

2. The Curious Incident of the Scratch on the Rental Car

I think I might take the car rental excess insurance that they try and flog you in future. I got a lovely car for the few days. Unfortunately I didn't return it as lovely. I still don't know where the scratch came from. I don't think I hit anything as I'm not Spanish. I strongly suspect one of the locals in the underground car park, it was very dark in there. Hopefully that other Car Hire Excess Insurance I bought online for the year will work. You'd think it would with a name like that.

3. Coldplay

I think AirBnB is keeping IKEA in business. The AirBnB in Donostia was straight from an IKEA showroom. It was all yellow. I liked it. Yellow is a happy colour.

4. Beer

I think the beer in Donostia is strong. I don't think they do anything less than six percent. I like Keler, it's very nice. They sponsor the running races too which is good. They also had Pinkus beer from Munster in Germany in the health food shops because its organic. German beer is still better, just make sure it's in a bottle in Spain.

5. Running

I think Donostia isn't the best town in the world for running. The footpaths and promenades are covered in those tiles that look lovely but make your bones hurt when you run on them. The cycle paths are covered in cyclists who gesticulate wildly at you even though you're running faster than them. The tourist board did have 10 mile routes mapped out which was handy, none of this 3 mile run nonsense.

6. Cider

I think the cider in Donostia is awful. Oliver the city walk guide recommended that we try some. It's terrible, horribly bitter and very yellow. The waiters only get about 45% of it in the glass when pouring it, it's no harm, the floor is the best place for it. Clonmel is better.

7. Trump

I didn't think I'd ever meet an American who was pro Trump. They do exist though and they have relatives from Roscommon. "Hilary is a terribly corrupt woman". It was nice to see that Fox News isn't fiction.

8. Gastronomy

I think the gastronomy in Donostia is over rated, Seville and Malaga are far better. The restaurants were more expensive and the food wasn't as good. I spent a lot of time tormenting my sister wandering the streets consulting TripAdvisor to no great success. She was tormented though so I suppose I had some success. Ikaitz was great but everywhere else was average. Pintxos are the Spanish equivalent of pies, a way of hiding yesterday's uneaten food. The ham was still good.

9. Hills

I think the parks in Donostia are the hilliest parks in the world. They make Doneraile look flat. One of the runs had a thousand feet of climbing in six miles. Good practice for the mountain running I suppose. No wonder they're fantastic at it.

10. Lunatic Soup

I think the wine in Donostia makes Irish people talk to each other. An Irish guy wandered over to our table one night. We asked him if he was enjoying the wine. "Sure why do you think I'm talking to people at other tables." It's very good wine.

Aztiriko Mendi Lasterketa Trail Race 2017

10 Things I Think About the Aztiriko Mendi Lasterketa Trail Race

1. Facebook

I think Facebook has made finding races on holidays so easy, all you need is a date, some idea of the location and the willingness to send random messages to people you don't know with the hope that they'll reply. If they reply you're sorted. It's great really. If only it was this easy for everything else.

2. 93 puntos Guia Penin 2017

I think that drinking wine the night before a race is very bad. I normally don't drink wine as in Ireland it's too dear and tastes of metal. In Spain it's different. We went to a restaurant called Ikatiz last night where the waitress recommended a Tempranillo, apparently it got 93 points in the Guia Penin 2017 which is extraordinary. It was very nice and very cheap. I think I'll drink more wine. I don't think it will affect my running.

3. Euskara

I think the google maps lady can't speak euskara. She was pronouncing all those places from Donostia to Aztiria with Xs and Zs all wrong. I'm pretty much fluent in euskara after learning it from Oliver on the walking tour yesterday. I have been tormenting every shopkeeper with "kaixo" and "eskerrik asko" ever since. It's a great language, it feels natural to me. Perhaps I'm actually Basque. Tiocfaidh ár lá and all that.

4. Parking

I think we upset the Basque man with our first attempt at parking. I just drove right up to the start. When he saw us he directed us towards a barricade. I didn't think that was a good idea having already scratched the rental car so I didn't move. Then he walked up to the window and started speaking Spanish to me, I only understand euskara so I didn't understand. I think he wanted us to go away. Eventually a nice lady showed up and got one of the locals to move his van so we could park. They are very nice people in Aztiria.

5. Favourite

I think the locals thought I was actually good at trail running. I did my warm up with two local guys who I impressed with my euskara, "nire izena Donal da, I'm not from England, Irlandakoa naiz". It's very important not to be English in Spain. They said that I was the favourite for the race. It must have been because of my haircut. I wasn't very confident.

6. I'm from Navarre

I think they secretly knew I wasn't a trail runner. I treated the start like I do any other race and just tore off like it was a 5k, this was fine as the first 200m were flat on a gravel road. After 200m a guy came up beside me kind of half laughing at me and asked where I was from, I said Cork, he understood, I asked where he was from he said Navarre, then the downhills started. That was the end of my leading as the Basques proceeded to fearlessly fall downhill with reckless abandon. I was terrified.

7. Donal Coffey

I think Donal Coffey would have beaten me today. He does IMRA races the whole time. I felt pathetic on some of the technical downhill sections, with auld Basques flying by me left and right. I was much better on the uphill and road sections, but these didn't make up for my walking down the hills like an old man with a dodgy ankle.

8. ánimo

I think ánimo is my new favourite word. I love the way crowds cheer for you in foreign countries. You'd get tired of "well done boi" or "go on lad" back home. The "allez allez" in France is fantastic as is the "venga, venga" in Spain. The crowd today had a new one "ánimo, ánimo". I think it means keep going or animate yourself. It sounds particularly good in a female voice.

9. Kilian Jornet

I think I'm not made for trail running. I ended up finishing about 10th from the 58 starters. This was the biggest number ever for the race, I probably helped. I asked the guy from Navarre how he got on, he won, this didn't surprise me. He said the course wasn't that technical, this amazed me. I'd hate to see a technical course. Then we talked about Kilian Jornet and agreed that he's mad and brilliant.

10. Best Spread Ever

I think the spread after the race was the best ever. They had beautiful fresh bread, gorgeous jamon iberico, olives, water, cider and wine. No rubbish. I don't think this would work in Ireland, people would complain.

Eskerrik asko Miren and Ioritz. What a great race.

Latsagien Itzulia 2017

10 Things I Think About the Latsagien Itzulia

1. Basque Carrigtwohill

I think Ustaritz is very like Carrigtwohill, the only reason you'd live there is because it's cheaper than living in Biarritz/Cork. It has lots of derelict apartments and a colossal old church. I didn't see any pharmaceutical companies so maybe it's different.

2. Dopage

I think that it's terrible that doping is illegal in France. For this reason I didn't bring my Ventolin with me as I was afraid of being arrested. I think this cost me some time in the race. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

3. Tolls

I think I'd be broke and eternally late if I lived in the Basque Country. They have tolls on the roads every 20km, they're as frequent as the food stops on the Ring of Kerry. The ones in Spain are manned by Spanish people which means there are long queues. In France, they are unmanned which means there are long queues because of English people who have no euros.

4. Hop Time

I think that John O'Connell would have approved of how early we arrived at the race. I don't think I've ever turned up 3 hours before the start of a race. I had to allow time for potential Spaining in France as the French have wierd laws about athletic events. You have to be certified by a doctor to run a small road race. They were happy with my Athletics Ireland card and the fact that I wasn't English, so I was allowed run. We used the spare time to visit the colossal church and watch a wierd combination of hurling, handball and quidditch.

5. Warm Up

I think that I was too confident after my warm up. I was convinced that I was going to win. There was nobody warming up. This normally means you are the only serious runner and are going to win. Then I got to the start and guys with legs far more shaved and tanned than me turned up. There was even a guy taller than me. This was scary.

6. Start

I don't think I've ever seen such a casual start. Thank god Clotilde taught me French so I could understand the start procedure. There was no line, just a casual countdown in French. There was lots of jumping the gun. No one cared.

7. Macron

I think Macron is right, French labour laws need reform. The start of the race was unlike anything I've ever seen. I tore off as I normally do. One guy came up beside me after a kilometre but didn't pass, then a whole group of Basques crowded around me. No one wanted to do any work. Eventually three tall tanned shaven legged guys appeared and formed some sort of trade union and agreed to work together. I was left in fourth with another bunch of Basques. I don't like trade unions.

8. The Mur

I don't think I've ever run up such a steep hill in a race. I hadn't really checked out the course before the race as I prefer not to known what's happening and I didn't understand Basque. The route itself was 50% trail, this wasn't advertised. After about 6km there was a wall of a climb, they seem to like throwing these into races abroad, I like it too. It wouldn't work in Ireland, people would complain. The hill was very hard.

9. A Gauche

I think I lost fourth place because of going the wrong way. Once we crested the top of the Mur we came to a junction. I went a droite, the Basques went a gauche. I quickly realised my mistake and turned around but I lost a few seconds, this was crucial as once I was away from the group of Basques a trade union was quickly formed and they suddenly started working together. I had no hope, perhaps trade unions are a good idea.

10. The Spread

I think the concept of an approximados race has spread to the Basque Country. The race was advertised as an 11km race, it was 10.3km last year over the same route. I think it was somewhere in the middle. I don't think it mattered. They had a lovely outdoor spread afterwards, apricots, prunes and fruit cake. I'm sure that there will be no complaints on the Basque version of the Cork Running blog. No one did a warm down except me. Macron will fix this.

Corkbeg 4 Mile 2017

10 Things I Think About The Corkbeg 4 Mile Road Race

1. Cricket

I think the madness is strong with me. I really shouldn't have run tonight but I just couldn't resist.  My impromptu cricket debut on Sunday night resulted in a slight ankle sprain. It's not bad but racing probably wasn't the most intelligent idea. I'll survive. I regret nothing. I'm not very good at cricket. 

2. Rice Cakes

I think that moving to Glanmire has increased my rice cake consumption dramatically. They really are the perfect pre race meal. They have no taste, you can eat lots of them and they don't leave any residue. A whole packet was probably too much this evening. The problem with living on your own is that you've no one to tell you that what you're eating is actually crazy. It's dangerous. I'll just start posting all my food on Instagram again, that way I'll know myself that it's mad. 

3. Cork City FC

I think I should have stayed on the Cork City bandwagon. I had a ticket for the match tonight but passed on it. This wasn't a good decision. I now have a cankle as a result. I'll get back on the bandwagon on Sunday. At least they won anyway. 

4. Warm Up

I think Anthony Mannix must have been fit to kill me after listening to 21 minutes of me whining about my ankle before the race. I think it worked though as all my whinging seemed to fix my ankle, it was perfect come the start of the race. Talking about your worries and problems works. I don't know how Anthony was feeling, I'm a talker not a listener.  

5. The Course

I don't think I'm ever going to run a fair course again. It's great fun running much faster than you are actually able to. People think you're great. The Corkbeg route is pretty fast, the first mile is up a hill but it's downhill from there. It does have a hairpin turn which is pretty unique, it's sort of like a cross country course on the road. Plus they've a BBQ afterwards.

6. Seanie's on Fire, Your Defence is Terrified

I think that you could have made a planet earth documentary about Sean McGraths execution of myself and Anthony tonight. We were all together after 1 mile, I was thinking this is great, I'm now able to run with Sean. Then the attacks began, I was first to be dispatched. I loved the way he deliberately picked up the pace enough to get rid of me but not Anthony. Then like a lion playing with an antelope he dispatched Anthony and disappeared off up the road. Great to watch, nice to know I'm still useless.

7. Don't Look Back in Anger

I think that the most horrible feeling in the world is the feeling of being chased. Once my dreams of winning had been shattered by Sean and Anthony I had to concentrate on protecting my podium position. I never looked back but I knew that Nigel was just behind me all the way. I could hear the footsteps all race. Thankfully it wasn't Ian O'Leary. Somehow I managed to keep the footsteps behind me until the finish. Perhaps I'm getting better.

8. You've Gotta Let the Big Dog Eat

I think that the dog at the finish line really wanted to eat me. Once I crossed the line I had to lie down on the ground because I was tired and it looks good to lie on the ground after a race. There was a big dog beside me who was very interested in me. I told the owner that the dog would be better off eating one of the slower runners. I felt bad about this but I don't think anyone heard me. 

9. Sunglasses

I think John Collins is right about sunglasses. I asked him if they wore them back when runners were actually good in Ireland. He said sunglasses were for girls. He's probably right.

10. Kettle

I don't think I've ever had such a bad case of prize envy. Sean McGrath got a lovely cordless vacuum cleaner for first place, a sort of cheap dyson knock off, but you know it would do the job. I'd only searched for a similar one on Amazon today. I had to settle for a Daewoo kettle. It came with the €18 price tag still on it. I asked Sean if he'd swap the hoover for the kettle but he didn't even dignify my question with a response. I already have a kettle. No man needs two kettles.

Willie Neenan 5 Mile 2017

10 Things I Think About The Willie Neenan 5 Mile 

1. Google Maps Lady

I think the road to Millstreet is one of the most beautiful dangerous roads in the world. The google maps lady has guided me safely in many countries but she seemed to be completely oblivious to many of the blind junctions on the L2751. She was silent from Rylane to Millstreet, that's very unlike her, she must have been scared. I was too.

2. 2am

I think working until 2am the night before a race is great preparation, especially when you get to sleep in until 1030am the next day. I was very fresh for the race. I had no breakfast just lunch.

3. Hop/Dinny

I think that I would have beaten John O'Connell tonight even if he hadn't withdrawn through crippling injury. I knew he was in trouble on Monday when he waited for me at the farm, this has never happened before. That's a sure fire sign of injury when you can't run solo. The "I'm doing a 10 minute tempo" while looking like Dinny from Glenroe didn't bode well on Tuesday. I knew he was finished after that. Poor Hop, he'll be back, I look forward to beating him again just like Donal Coffey.

4. Start Line

I think the sunglasses matching your singlet craze is catching on. Paul Moloney had a lovely pair of red Oakleys to match the red Mallow AC singlet. Carol Finn said that my sunglasses looked nice. This was important, before I thought I looked fantastic, now I knew I looked fantastic.

5. You Miss 100% of the Shots You Don't Take

I think Logan's piece of American wisdom is perfect. It can be applied to everything life throws at you. Just get a shot off. Today I applied it to the first mile. 5:03, it was a bit downhill I suppose. Still I don't think I missed this time.

6. The Pack

I think I belong in the pack at the front of the race. I felt at home clipping along with Conor, Eoin and Paul. Unfortunately I was evicted from my home as we passed over the railway line after about 2 miles as I could no longer pay my rent. I think the train was also responsible for the 815pm start. All the Kerrymen going home for Sunday.

7. Sorry

I think I owe Donal Coffey a public apology. My celebration after the race was completely inappropriate. My man hug was completely uncalled for, especially in Millstreet. There is absolutely no need to dance around like a boasting clown when you trash someone in their home town race. Having said that I really enjoy winning. Conor won the real race, to me this was irrelevant.

8. The Strawberry

I think that Wexford have implemented a state sponsored doping program. It's clear from the last few weeks that County Plan 1996 has been implemented. Those strawberry huts on the roadside are probably secret drug mules for the ex-pats in foreign counties, ingenious really. I didn't think it was possible to PB in virtually every race but Conor does. I suppose he is very good at minding himself. I'm jealous. I mind myself too but it doesn't work.

9. Tax Man

I think that I don't need to inform the tax man of the contents of the brown envelope that I received for 4th place. God it's a nice feeling to get money in a brown envelope. I think I'll apply for a job in FIFA or the IAAF.

10. Cullen

I think that the Spanish ham in Cullen is as good as any in Spain, what more could you ask for after a race than a few cerveza sin alcohol and some jamon Iberico. It was nice to bring the Willie Neenan trophy back to its true home, good practice for next year when Hop is back in full flow.

Shanagarry 5 Mile 2017

10 Things I Think About The Shanagarry 5 Mile Road Race

1. Club Shades

I think that club sunglasses are a money making opportunity. Last night I wore yellow framed sunglasses I bought in Ale-Hop in Malaga for €10. They matched my Leevale singlet perfectly or so Donal Coffey tells me.

2. Mileage Matters

I think it's a sign of madness when you worry that your 2 mile warm up is going to affect your weekly mileage because you normally run 10 miles a day and 2+5+2.5=9.5. I did 3 for the warm down just in case Strava wasn't happy. I like smooth graphs.

3. Marathon

I think that a positive effect of the marathon is that I'm not scared of blowing up in a race. If I finished a marathon I can surely hang on for 30 minutes flat out no matter what the pace. The marathon is also an excellent excuse for everything. "Ah sure you're only after a marathon." "You can't be recovered"

4. Start

I think that the starts of Ballycotton races are perfect, no nonsense music or random speeches by the local bishop, just a gun and some paint on the road.

5. Aerodynamics

I think the Leevale singlet needs a mid season aerodynamic upgrade package. It's very flappy. It catches the wind, I blame it for at least 5 seconds. That and the big huge A4 number. There would be no sub two hour marathon run in a Leevale singlet with a Ballycotton number no matter how many Teslas you had in front of you.

6. Fight Night

I don't think I've ever had a mid race fight before. I had a minor disagreement with Kieran Mckeown. He had come down with a serious case of ancraophobia. I've never seen someone with such a bad case. He was so scared of it, he had to hide behind someone all the way, I seemed to be the preferred object to hide behind as I'm huge. I suppose the wind is kind of scary and I do provide excellent protection. I'm definitely not an ancraophobe.

7. The Diamond League

I think it's a bit ridiculous to be racing, surging and wheel sucking when you're running along in 5th to 10th place miles behind the leaders in a small road race in East Cork. The Diamond League it ain't. It is fun to pretend I suppose. I did lose the battle and end up 10th so I probably need to get clever at racing and not just tow everyone around sheltering behind me like a big wind breaking fool.

8. Insanity

I think road racing is a form of insanity. I've been running the Shanagarry 5M since 2009 and my times have been 28:30 +\- 30 seconds. That's a lot of training and mileage for the same statistical result. Statistically speaking there is no significant difference between 2009 and 2017. Ah well I suppose it's fun. Insanity generally is.

9. Ooooh Look at Him

I think I impressed the local kids with my shades. All I heard coming back into Shanagarry was "Ooooh, look at him" and "buzzzzz", I don't know if this was horror or admiration but I presume it was the lovely yellow sunglasses which were matching my singlet.

10. The Choke Tackle

I think my version of the choke tackle on Kieran McKeown immediately after the race was a bad idea. I was only messing. I hope it wasn't taken too seriously. It's only a race after all, a bit of stress relief. There are far far more important things.

Grant Thornton 5k 2017

10 Things I Think About The Grant Thornton 5k

1. Lance Armstrong

I think I Alfie was right to accuse me of doping immediately after the race. Last Wednesday I ran a 5k in 25 minutes, tonight I ran just under 17 minutes. If I was a cyclist in the Tour de France they'd all be asking "What is he on?" What am I on? I'm on two puffs of ventolin before every race, it does the trick, that and few iron tablets, some vitamin D and a probiotic.

2. Big Shots

I don't think I've ever been referred to as a "big shot" before. Feidhlim Kelly announced my arrival to the start line like I was Mo Farah turning up to his local 5k. I suppose I did look fantastic. I waved as you do. Referring to me as a big shot is like calling the captain of the local Junior B football team a big shot, it was a confidence boost all the same. I suppose I am kind of a big shot.

3. Ingebrigtsen

I think that rule number one of all sports is that the most important thing is to look fantastic at all times. I think I accomplished this tonight.

4. Hawkers

I think that the reason I looked fantastic was because I purchased a pair of excellent white sunglasses in Malaga for €25. They're particularly fantastic. The white and blue is excellent. They suit the shape of my face very well.

5. Start

I don't think I've ever performed a Mexican wave one minute before the start. It did get the adrenaline going I suppose. I thought that as I was the local big shot I'd walk away with it. This thought didn't last long as two East Cork bigger shots took off up the road. Ah well, the junior B captain probably experiences the same thing when he tries to play intermediate football.

6. Drafting

I think the winner may have been helped by the motorbike that pretty much towed him around the course. Think Nibali in the Vuelta last year. Motordoping isn't just confined to cycling you know.

7. Style over Function

I think wearing sunglasses on a dreary night in Cork is not the best idea. Thankfully they filled in all the potholes down the Marina as I couldn't see much. I refused to remove the shades. Looking fantastic is much more important than a broken ankle.

8. Finish

I think that a 5k is so much better than a marathon. It's over so quickly. I barely even noticed it. I must do more. They're excellent.

9. Campione

I think that winning the team prize for the Gilead Gringos is great. We won by 15 seconds. Four people on the team, the team aspect of the event is brilliant. It's all about the fourth man. We got a lovely bowl. I wore my Berlin hat and Iceland jersey when I was collecting the bowl. I looked excellent again.

10. Debadification

I think that I have completed the debadification process quite well. One week is loads after a marathon. I'm fine.

The Week After The Cork City Marathon

10 Things I Think About the week after the Cork City Marathon

1. Debadification

I think running a marathon gives you very bad legs. On Monday I had Superbad legs, by Tuesday they were Too bad, by Wednesday they were less bad which tempted me back to running. This was not a good idea, I think I'd just gotten used to the presence of badness. The debadification has continued all week. I imagine it will take at least a week to eliminate all the badness.

2. Sleep

I think it's a very bad idea to stay up until 4am the night of the marathon. This may have contributed to the badness.

3. Theresa May

I think that running a marathon turns you into Theresa May. I had absolutely no interest in debating anything with anyone all week. I was a very grey creature with little or no energy and an illogical fear of stairs. I definitely wouldn't have done well in an election.

4. Peasant Wagons

I think peasant wagons are an excellent idea. It is however a very bad idea to try and run to catch a peasant wagon when you've just run a marathon. I blame my current calf niggle on this.

5. Next One?

I think I'm the only person who doesn't get annoyed when asked an hour after finishing the marathon, "when's your next one?" Seems like a perfectly logical question to ask someone who's having severe difficulty getting into and out of a chair.

6. Olivier Giroud

As part of the debadification process I jogged around the Belle of Ballincollig 5k wearing a pair of classy white sunglasses. I got asked by one of the local kids if I was Olivier Giroud. I took this as a compliment, I suppose I was moving very slowly with no chance of scoring but still looked absolutely fantastic.

7. Reverse Dieting

I think the concept of a reverse diet is a wonderful idea after a marathon. It involves deliberately eating more than you need to speed up recovery. Sports science can be used to justify anything.

8. Particle Size

I think I need to be lighter to run a fast marathon. The marathon is the best particle size analyser. It just filters out by size. I'm currently a big particle. I need to be a less big particle. Reverse dieting won't help this.

9. Lessons Learned

Like any good project manager I conducted an extensive lessons learned after the marathon. There were post its everywhere. I think I learned one main lesson. I think I need to run more marathon pace runs. I thought I learned this in Berlin last year butI think I forgot. Come to think of it this happens with most lessons learned.

10. Irish National Championships

I think it was a great idea to buy an entry to the Berlin marathon the morning after Cork. Berlin is not Cork. It will be good to run the national championships again.